My potential

has always surpassed my ambition by far, and I cannot shake the feeling that that is something not entirely uncommon in "talented" people. Which I don't really consider myself as being actually. But there are many voices (not in my head by the way...) that have told me that what I produce here and elsewhere in writing can be considered a "potential for great talent" of sorts, but I'm not really feeling up to meeting such grand expectations to be honest. Plus whenever I get praised I tend to get somewhat lazy and start dropping in quality. So I'll just stick to being humble and work within my normal frame of mind. 

Anyway. This "great potential" thing has its roots back in school, where I was constantly told that I have such potential but am simply wasting it with my laziness and slacker-attitude. But well. I have come to terms with not fully using the alleged potential that people seem to think I have and rather stick to doing things the way I want. And so should everyone else. Those that even care that is. Most of you won't. Hell, I am not sure I do, so what's the point in all this? Well. The moments enticing you to subtly formulate sentences that might be of actual literary value and have a chance to live on long after your physical demise are those that seem the most mundane at first, so setting expectations for yourself way too high trying to meet some "potential" others tell you they see in you is bound to lead to failure. Or at least, if not even worse, to disappointment. So do not look at your favorite author or your mom's opinion to judge your work. Compared to a long-established author, your work will always seem inferior when you compare it yourself. Others will disagree, but that will make you so sure of your writing that you'll end up not even producing a coherent sentence. And your mom will always tell you what you've written is good. Others will disagree, and might be right to do so, but you'll be too blinded by the judgement of your mom or other relatives and therefore dismiss actually constructive feedback, leading once again to you producing bullshit. Now this is not only limited to writing of course, in any given situation where what you do is subject to the judgement of others the same rules apply. I am not saying that what others think of your work is not relevant mind you. I am just saying that you should not let what others think that you could do influence the things that you actually do. And as I write this I realize that I myself am subject to the very things described above, and that it is hard to actually set aside all praise and criticism ever received whilst typing. Which is not a bad thing per se, seeing as it helps me to avoid things that have been pointed out to me that I myself then saw needed changing. But it is a bad thing in the sense of me not questioning my every word as much anymore, seeing as that usually results in some typos and even erroneous use of words at times; but it is somewhat impossible to return to that state of healthy uncertainty simply because I keep receiving good feedback about my work. Which I enjoy of course. And I am not feeling any superior or anything like that either, but there is a certain emotion lingering somewhere in my subconsciousness compelling me to just type things without thinking of a theme or concept, and without re-reading my work to see if it makes sense. I just expect it to work, and somehow it usually does. Hell, every essay I've ever written in my entire life has been written that way, and I've had a decent grade for every single one of them. So, am I giving in to expectations set by others that believe in my potential by just expecting the things I write to be of quality and make sense? I don't know, maybe I am. But when I read my own entries weeks or even months after publishing them, I am usually quite contend with the result of my typing frenzies. And therefore I rely on this concept for as long as it yields the results I expect it to, namely entertaining blog posts for you guys. And well, articles, essays, my novel, essentially anything I type. Although I do do some research for news articles, so the concept does not apply entirely, but seeing as I still write them in a single sitting without laying out a structure beforehand, I guess it does apply to some extent.

But fuck all that. I am sitting here, watching "Meet The Spartans" - low-brow potty humor I know, but after a good 24 hours of being awake I am kind of enjoying it. My brain seems fried anyway, I am no longer thinking in circles but getting stuck in the corners of the squares my thinking is currently made up of. Thinking isn't smooth right now. It's an erratic, speed-frenzied jumping back and forth in the great void between my right and left ear. I may have overdone things a bit yesterday evening and night. I was just about to experience a circulatory breakdown due to the fact that I stupidly used my asthma-inhaler in my current condition.  
(By the way, I do not actually have asthma - I just fucked up my lungs by smoking cigarettes up to a degree which made my doctor tell me to at least take the goddamned spray so that I can make it to age 40. Or something like that, I was a bit fucked up when I last went there and my memories are a little hazy to be honest. The essence is that my lungs are bad and that I need to use an asthma-spray in order to alleviate the weight of the cancerous black tar pressing down on my mistreated, wheezing pulmonary alveoli.) 
My entire vision got blurry and was centered to a tunnel-like vortex before I finally managed to sit down and let my body rest for a while. I am now fairly confident that I can stand up with ease again actually.  And I just did. Not with as much ease as I had expected, but in my current state of being that does not come as a surprise to me. So, in the marginal confines that my current condition allows I am rather well. Plus writing seems to be helping quite a bit. As long as I have my brain focused on creating coherent sentences that hold some meaning, I am not getting stuck in aforementioned corners and am therefore also not persisting on whatever imaginative paranoid monomania my deranged brain decides to come up with. Which is a good thing as you can imagine, simply because getting obsessed with some craze in my altered state of mind might turn ugly on me pretty quickly. So, I'll have to keep on writing, keep the flow going, don't get stuck on obtuse syntax or vocabulary questions, just keep it moving. I need movement, I need action, I have a need for speed so to say, and I am cranked up to an almost ugly maximum at the moment. Luckily it's not quite ugly yet and albeit some muscle spasms and temporary vertigo, I am still not feeling the tiniest bit of remorse or god forbid regret. I take responsibility for my own actions. Even if that means spending the entire day hunkered down in my room, cautiously avoiding people, and not feeling able to produce anything that makes sense anymore. Yet somehow still writing, which is somewhat contradictory I know, but writing is a kind of red line guiding my thoughts in a 'friendly' direction (for lack of a better word), so it seems like the primal parts of my brain are using the composition of words to keep the more sophisticated areas of my cerebrum from a long and dreadful pitfall leading to complete and utter exasperation when trying to think in meaningful terms. And as long as that's working, at least to some extent, I feel that I can hang on to this that I currently perceive as being my last straw already dangling at a silver thread. I have to admit that that sounds a bit melodramatic, but it actually sums up my feelings when it comes to this topic quite nicely.

Damn! I stared into the nothingness with an empty mind for about five minutes without even noticing just now. It literally feels like my brain has turned to mush. A grey, tasteless, emotionless mush, left with no abilities except to serve as ballast for my skull. Sounds sad, I know. But it'll pass. Tomorrow is another day, and it's going to be a lot less junkie-like than yesterday and today turned out to be. Well, not junkie-like per se. I am still writing this sitting on my retractable bed in the comfort of my medium-well cleaned apartment, with an abundance of psychoactive substances and clean tap water. Which is essentially all I need to survive today. And if I don't overdo the psychoactive chemicals like I did yesterday, I'll be able to catch a good night's sleep, and finally get caught up on the slumber time I've missed these past days. Or at least reach my all-time favorite state of being: the psychotic, deranging, maddening and tiring half-sleep madness that leaves one more exhausted and done for afterwards than one was prior to it. I wonder why my body insists on that kind of "rest" (mind the quotes, they're there for a reason...) instead of just saying Fuck It and using its last resources to stay awake until all fuel is used up, all body parts worn out, every last shred of sanity gone, finally collapsing on or near my bed and then staying asleep for about twelve hours. Just to wake up, enjoy my full cognitive powers for a while, and then start over. Not that that is a normal routine for me, but well, it's the holidays, and friends are coming to visit me, so events tend to transpire and lead from one to another, finally leaving me in the frame of mind thoroughly described in the previous paragraphs. And at some point this lifestyle is going to catch up to me, I realize that. But until then, I am not going to spend my time worrying about when I've reached the point of no return, or when I've gone over the edge. Because, as Hunter S. Thompson rightly said: "[T]he only people who really know where it [the edge] is are the ones who have gone over.". Which is just really fucking true. I mean I know with a fair amount of certainty that I have been close, like really fucking close to the notorious edge. But I cannot say where the edge would actually have been, and if I could I probably wouldn't be around anymore to write about it.

I think that in a certain way, we're all trying to make tiny steps towards the mystery that is the edge in order to test ourselves, to see how close we can get without going over. Which might be considered as being a stupid, and at times even a downright suicidal kind of behavior. But we all do it in our own way. Some use drugs, others sport, others fast cars or motorcycles, others violence, and yet other people use sexual perversions to get as close to where each individual perceives the edge to be. By the way, by "sexual perversions" I do mean pretty hardcore stuff, like S&M, bondage, that kind of shit. I do not however mean downright inhumane and intolerable perversions such as pedophilia or necrophilia. As to bestiality, I suppose if that's what gets you going, then go for it; just make sure that no PETA-members are near you when you do, otherwise you'll be burned at the stake. Why that is, you ask? Well, the goat did not consent to either having put a filthy penis inside of it, or to having its poor penis stuck inside of your vagina/butt. At least that's the kind of reasoning PETA-people will subject your poor ears to. So be prepared for that, and bring ear-plugs. And ask them how to make sure that the animal consents; if they can give you an actual answer to that, they might have at least acquired some good writers or actually found some pseudo-smart ecology student willing to talk to the rest of the world on their behalf in a language that people understand instead of the usual PETA mumble-jumble. But I am almost entirely confident that that will not be the case. I am not here to rant on PETA though, at least not today. What I was saying before this tangent about bestiality and PETA appeared was that we're all wanting to "live life on the fast lane" and thereby approach the edge at rapidly increasing speeds, each and every one of us in their own personal way. In the minuscule confines of our own perception of 'extremes' we all strive to reach them, we all want to be outside of boundaries in some way. Even those most people would not consider as being anywhere close to any extremes are actually already approaching their own personal edge at their own, individual pace. Which might be hard to believe, even I find it to be so, but there is some more or less solid evidence that you can see in those you would consider as non-extreme or even downright lame in your lives: In their perception of the world, they're not taking the normal and unadventurous road, but rather the exciting one that is filled with danger; in "their world", they're approaching the illustrious edge rather quickly, even if it may seem like they haven't even found the proper cardinal direction to go in yet. 

"Where is he going with this?", might be the question on your mind right now. Well, I am not entirely sure either. I've jumped from my supposedly great potential to my process to my current condition to the edge to bestiality and PETA, and finally got back to the topic of the edge. An expression for the boundary whose existence I've always been aware of that I found, as you might have guessed already, in a book written by Hunter S. Thompson. I mean I had of course heard people refer to the edge, and I had a vague clue that that might be the right word to use to describe the margin separating fun from folly, trip from psychosis, and essentially life from death, but only in Thompson's works was I able to acquire the proper depth required to understand his notion of the edge. And as soon as I had done so - understood what he meant by it - I realized that that is exactly the figurative place I had always somewhat known about but had never been sure what term I could use to label it with. "Cliff" would have been the best thing I could have come up with on the spot. And if I had actually spent much time pondering the issue I probably would have wound up using the word Edge whether I had known of HST or not. Because - as most things written by him do - the expression just fits that figurative point of no return like a boxing glove fits on the fists of Muhammad Ali. Thompson has found what I consider to be the perfect way to express his thoughts, which are quite similar to my own actually, and his writings always leave me longing for that kind of rugged perfection that never considered itself as having reached any kind of perfection yet. I want the kind of feeling elicited by being considered close to excellence by a broad audience just by doing what one enjoys doing without having to think about it a thousand times in terms of quality. I actually already have that "gift" (again, for lack of a better word) to some extent, as I had lain out earlier in this beast of a post, but not in the magnitude in which Hunter S. Thompson had it of course. Not even close, really. But well. I am still young and sure as hell do have quite a bit of ambition when it comes to developing my writing to the point mentioned above. I think I have de facto found my calling in life: Writing. I know I have approached that topic before, but it doesn't cease to amaze me: That my ramblings put into words fused into sentences might be of actual value to others. And that I might be able to get my foot in the door in the field of journalism, and of course that I have started writing a novel and will go on working on it so that I can release it in 2015 or 2016 or so. Perhaps earlier, perhaps later. But whatever I end up doing after my studies, it will definitely be something where writing will be my sole responsibility; I don't even want the big money in this aspect, I would just like to be able to write as much as I want to and/or can on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis, and actually collect a paycheck, however tiny it may be, for doing so. That's all I really want out of life actually: To be able to sustain myself and my lifestyle just by writing. To have an actual cash payment in my hands proving the quality of my writing to me. Because nobody is going to pay anything for bad writing, at least that's the assumption I am operating under until proven otherwise. Let's just hope it works. I mean you don't have to, it's not like I have any faith in any of your projects succeeding; I don't even know what any of you guys' plans for the future consist of, and, as harsh as that might sound I am very sure that for the most of you, I don't even want to know. But that was just rude, wasn't it? If anyone felt insulted by this, I am actually inclined to apologize this one time, because I have just been really unfair: I mean you're the people making this all worthwhile, without you my blog would be a ghost-town with only a single spirit floating around booing at itself. A sad sight. But my snide comment above was just a conclusion drawn from statistics. My readership is very roughly composed to fifty percent of Americans and to another fifty percent of Germans. Which it is quite definitely not in reality; but for the sake of this argument, it is. Anyway. We have one in four Americans suffering from insanity, and seeing as I don't trust things "Made in the US", let's make that two in four Americans suffering from a mental illness of sorts. On the other side of the big pool we have the Germans with one out of three people suffering from a psychic problem. That figure seems a tad too low too, so let's say every one and a half persons out of three suffer from a mental problem of sorts. I have about 40 regular readers, 20 US, 20 German. Let's do some math for the first and last time on here: 2/4 = 0.5 * 20 = 10; so ten of the twenty American readers are bat-shit crazy or at least close to it. And seeing as I have adjusted the numbers for Germany a bit, it boils down to the same: 1.5/3 = 0.5 * 20 = 10. Meaning that ten of my twenty German readers are insane as well. So with twenty out of forty people reading this theoretically needing to be locked away in an asylum for the mentally-ill, how can I show any serious interest in your future projects? I mean, put yourself in my position, and then think if you would have said anything even remotely similar to what I just said. I think you would be lying to yourself if you said no altogether; you may of course disagree with me on the things I am saying or even show me that the statistics I found are completely bogus, but you'd still have to admit that you would have acted similarly on a different level so to speak, had you been in my position. 

Wow. I am not even sure if there is any sense in the above paragraph. I hope so, because if I discover that there isn't any meaning whatsoever in these deranged ramblings from a brain gone rogue on speed and sleep-deprivation, I'll have to rewrite quite a lot of words, and then this post will be delayed even further, so I really hope that these words I am typing right now will be able to stay where they are and not be subject to eradication on the morning that is bound to follow; 'bound to follow' because that's the way life goes, you can call it Karma, Ying&Yang, or just refer to Cypress Hill's "What Goes Around Comes Around", which is essentially the concept of Karma put in Rap. Anyhow. There will always be a morning following a night, just like good will be done onto you if you hath done good onto others. Trust me, I am not trying to get all preachy on you here, but these concepts hold such a fundamental truth that I feel the need to urge each and every one of you reading this to try and implement it in your own lives. It's really as easily done as it is said for once. You just have to behave like a decent human being, and that's the way most others will behave towards you. I mean, there are always going to be a few assholes wherever you go but you should not make their behavior affect yours negatively, and rather have it do the opposite: Continue being polite to everyone, be even more so than usually, and think of aforementioned assholes when you want to do something that you know to be wrong/immoral/bad to do, and then remind yourself that you have no reason whatsoever to stoop to their level. Their level being the kind of cheap stupid thrill people seem to get out of violence and asshole-behavior nowadays; even more so than the ancient Romans used to actually. A level that most of the country, hell, the entire fucking world has been devolving towards. Which is unfortunate, really. So many potential readers lost in the works of a system that will grind them down to small conforming shells of their former personalities without any form of individual identity. And are then left with a feeling of great emptiness inside their chests whenever the TV-set is turned off and the world stops giving a shit about the things these parasitic clones brainwashed by oppressive governments wanting to do what the fuck they want without having to ask a congress or god forbid the citizens are actually made of, which basically amounts to nothing at all: Assholes looking for weaker assholes that they can get in a cocky arguments with that ultimately lead to fist-fights that are of no use to anyone but these guys' egos. And even these egos have no real use for the feeling of superiority achieved by winning a fight anymore, seeing as they have long ago been caved out by parental abuse and inferiority complexes. Either of the two actually, not necessarily both, and possibly something different altogether. All options are quite hard, but we all know that that's the way shit goes down in the real world: You work hard, you study hard, you take on usually unpaid internships, you learn about "real work" in a "real office", and finally you'll wind up being the doormat of some corporate plug that was born with a gold-plated diamond spoon in his filthy rich and spoiled mouth. And if you dare complaining about his utter lack of social skills and decent behavior, that will be the longest you have worked for that company. They [the corporations] don't like people that cause trouble, they don't want actual thinkers. Not even in the highest management levels anymore. The companies pay some experts to take care of all the things that managers used to take care of. And then the managers themselves are left with a few coordinating tasks that do not require any thought whatsoever: The retarded love-child of a donkey with down syndrome and an ape having literally shit instead of brains could do the jobs I have seen managers being appointed for these days. Which just proves my point: Most corporations are not looking for anyone that has the ability to think on their feet and/or be creative anymore, but rather for a clone, a robotic parody of a human being only designed to take and complete orders. Of course there are managers still in need of doing their job and being creative whilst doing so, but their numbers are rapidly receding. This indicates quite clearly that the cold business world that was never really my favorite place on the industrial checkerboard that is the economy has now completely ruined my faith in anything related to companies and corporations, meaning that I will definitely have to get some job in which I can really just stick to writing; I need the kind of job I had already indicated my affinity for earlier. I mean, I actually need it! I cannot go on for three years studying business if I can't live out my passion for writing in the meantime. 

Hah. I should probably have gone to writing/journalism/creative classes instead of opting for the safe choice of studying business first to have some sort of base that I can build my future career, in whatever field that may be on. But well, usually the safe bet is the best bet, so it might turn out as an advantage for me being safely enrolled in something that will lead to me having a diploma which is internationally recognized and enables me to find a decently paying job to make ends meet. At least that's the plan. I hope to seriously get into either my novel or journalism before that point in time arrives though, seeing as I'd already have an occupation then that could get me some sort of paycheck and that has the additional bonus of not revolving around me sitting at a fancy desk wearing a tight-ass suit that does not even leave enough room for the boys to hang, if you catch my drift. I just fucking hate dressing like a goddamned penguin with the sole purpose of looking socially acceptable to people I have nothing in common with whatsoever. What's the problem with a slightly sagged pair of jeans, a t- or khaki-shirt, and a good old pair of sneakers from Nike, AND1 or similar brands. Not Adidas though, I have for some inexplicable reason always disliked Adidas clothing, especially when compared to its Nike counter-parts. The cause for my disliking of Adidas is probably my predilection for Nike products that has been prevalent in me for almost a decade now without any reasons based on any logic whatsoever. The Nike-swoosh is just way cooler than the Adidas-stripes can ever hope to be. But that's just my opinion and completely irrelevant, as I feel pretty much everything I am going to type from hereon will be.

So I am putting a stop to this now gargantuan beast of a post that somehow turned out to be of almost 4600 words in length now already. I don't know how that happened to be honest. I sat down looking at about 700 words. What ensued then is what I remember as a myriad of scenes just flashing in front of my intensely exhausted eyes from the dreaded hours past; and after that I was staring at about 4200 words of text. I have no idea in hell how my exasperated and by now thoroughly used up body still awake from last night managed to actually compose such a long entry without having it turn to complete gibberish or completely detaching itself from a golden thread that might actually not even be existent here. But if it is, I have definitely not detached the rest of the text entirely from it albeit of course straying from the general path laid out by said thread a little bit every now and then. But well, given my still quite heavily altered state of mind I think that this might actually make for an interesting read, or maybe at least show you how morbidly weird thought patterns can get with a long enough lack of sleep and a large enough concentration of chemical stimulants in the blood-stream. It can be quite confusing to those having never partaken in any form of use of an "illegal" substance (I do not think that anyone has the right to label a substance that will only harm those who willingly take it as illegal, hence the quotes around that filthy word), but I trust that it offered you a direct albeit possibly bewildering insight into the frame of mind of someone under the influence of an essentially dirty and for some reason also magnetic stimulant (yep, you cannot use a credit card to dry and align Speed - it will fuck up the card's magnetic stripe and make it completely unusable). 

Anyway. I have already said before that no more good will come out of my continuous typing, and yet I went on to write a whole new paragraph filled with semi-usable info about the creation of this post and Speed. 
Well, I hope you have been entertained, shocked, insulted, excited, angered, amused, bewildered, or simply informed, or all, or none of the here-mentioned by this truly gigantic post. Whichever emotion it was, I am just glad to elicit any kind of feeling in audiences, seeing as that proves that I have reached these people in some way, to some extent. In this light, I'll leave you be, and as always, share some great music with you:

James Brown - It's a man's world 
-> Ah. James Brown. Great musician with a grand voice from somewhere out of space. And well, this is one of his most famous songs, but that's not the reason for its appearance here. Not even the message is the actual reason for it either. No, this song is here because I just watched "Smoking Aces 2" and it is featured in a scene there. And that somehow elicited a goose-bumpy feeling in my groin, which made me borderline anxious to put it up here. But regardless of the reason, this song is just fucking awesome, so... Enjoy!

Warren Zevon - Wanted Dead Or Alive 
-> Well, I've just recently discovered Warren Zevon and his music, but I have to say that I fiercely enjoy it and will therefore be posting a couple of his songs on here every now and then. And well, I really like "Californication"; I idolize Hunter S. Thompson; and I have always been fond of guitar-based music anyway, meaning that this song really speaks to me on a number of levels and therefore needed featuring on here, so... Enjoy!

Warren Zevon - Mr. Bad Example 
-> As I just said, I've grown to really enjoy this guy's music, and this song is just too grand for words... A self-designated asshole spouting filthy words to live by if being infamous is what you thrive for. And well, all in all this is just a great piece of classic American music, so... Enjoy!

Pegboard Nerds - Frainbreeze 
-> Well here we go again, the second time Pegboard Nerds are on here, and, hell, they deserve to be! Nice atmospheric intro that already hints at the ensuing awesomeness and is rounded up by a great drop that remains in a melodic, glitch-y kind of realm which I really enjoy! All in all a great song with some nice rhythm and melody combined using heavy drops infused into a three and a half minute long piece of greatness that is just, well, great, so... Enjoy!

Spag Heddy - Still Raggamuffin (feat. dESH) 
-> OH HELL FUCKING YES!! This is so fucking awesome I once again lack the words to describe it properly! I've featured Spag Heddy on here before I am sure, but I have not ever heard any genre-crossing by them yet, and I have to say that I am very impressed. To say the least actually. This is so fucking grand, I can't even begin to stop being insanely enthusiastic about it! Amazing vocals, crazy-ass drops, and an overall timeless piece of incredible music, so... Enjoy!

Nature One Inc - The Golden Twenty (Jerome's Official Anthem Mix) 
-> I WAS THERE! IT WAS SO FUCKING AWESOME! I do not have the words to describe how amazing it was to be there! I already attended last year, but this time we had planned everything out much better and were not as ill-prepared as we had been the year before, so it was even more enthralling than it was back then! And well, this is not the anthem I was looking for, but it's still up to par and manages to reflect the goose-bump-inducing awesomeness that is Nature One quite well, so... Enjoy!

Wu-Tang Clan - Gravel Pit
-> Such a great classic track, how could I have forgotten about posting it on here until now? I don't know. What I do know though is that this song is fucking awesome, the video is funny as hell, and well I love Wu-Tang anyway, so... Enjoy!

Snoop Dogg - Ain't No Fun (feat. Nate Dogg, Warren G, Kurupt) 
-> Tha Dogg Pound has always been making superior funk-influenced gangster rap, and this song is by no means an exception. Some of the best MCs of the time getting together on a funky-ass beat on one of the great classic rap albums of all time to create a great track that delivers the very essence of pimp prevalent in west-coast rap back in the day. Can't believe I hadn't put this up here before, it's one of my favorite songs ever come to think of it, so... Enjoy!

Busta Rhymes - Break Ya Neck 
-> Another one of these songs that I cannot believe haven't been put up on here yet. I mean, this is like THE classic Busta Rhymes track. And I have neglected it until today. That is sad actually. But anyway, this tune is so fucking awesome and raw; Busta is one of the ill-est MCs out there, and his former style which is still prevalent in this piece of musical genius was so grand, he really brought rap to another level, so... Enjoy!

Well, it took an eternity for this post to appear on the internet once again, and I have to apologize for this. I typed it in the middle of a speed-frenzied night and could not for the life of me remember half of what I wrote the next morning, so I wanted to re-read the whole thing before posting it. And I still had to add music to it as well, plus the entire process was halted by the Nature One festival for a couple of days, meaning that I was unable to finish it off until today. But it's done now. I am unsure about its quality and the depth of its content, but I think it is as always adequate. At least I hope that it is.
I just hope that this entry is enjoyable to you in spite of the many erratic and jumpy lines of thought barely having any actual logical adjacency present throughout the entire thing.


Peace!

The holidays

have brought with them a weird tingling feel inside of me - I am annoyed. By all those things summer actually: Sun, happiness, love, and all similarly mind-numbing happy-makers that us humans seem to so desperately depend on.
Yes, I am once again in my favorite state of being: alone, pissed off, and eager to vent in writing. So this will be a treat for you cynically-depressed maniacs out there. I cannot for the life of me figure out where this mood comes from though. I mean, I have been alone again for a while now; I haven't had any problems with other people, and am generally not feeling bad per se. So why is this annoyed anger amassing amongst my neuronal axons? I don't know to be honest. I simply don't. All I know is that I sifted through tons of trash and spam mail this morning and came across an old e-mail by my bitch of an ex-girlfriend from a few years ago. And well, this got me curious enough to see if she had still blocked me on Facebook, and well, she has. Which I find funny actually, seeing as she was the one who tore my heart to pieces back then, but somehow felt that I was the one that needing blocking out. 

Anyway. I am not here to rant about some lower life-form crawling around somewhere in the more disgusting parts of Germany. No, I am today going to address the grand topic of why summery weather is annoying as fuck. Don't get me wrong though, I like having it warm and lying down in the sun near a lake with a beer,  but still, the summer always brings along your typical, ever-grinning idiots that cannot seem to find a thing wrong with this fucked up world of ours. At least not when "the sun is shining, man". Fuckers all. It's a trend that has and probably always will be prevalent in some people, and it's always worst during summer. I have had it with those kind of humans always seeing the best in any situation, worsening my usual annoyance with their overly enthusiastic attitude about anything. I mean, I sound like a grumpy asshole right now, but in reality I just want to chill. It's not like I'm running around with a sour face all day and poisoning everyones' good mood. I just cannot stand the fact that people seem to think that things are always that much better in the summer. And I cannot stand the relentless and redundant notion of constantly perpetuating a status of this jolly but ultimately annoying overdrive-happiness that some people exude as soon as the temperatures outside start to rise even the slightest bit. It's just downright stupid if you ask me. I mean of course it's deeply rooted in our evolutionary make-up, seeing as sun means warmth and life, and stands for fertility and prosperity, so it is understandable that sunlight speaks to our primal instincts and therefore compels us to feel more enthusiastic and "alive". But still, aren't we at the top of the food chain because we managed not to succumb to these primitive urges but rather developed a consciousness and a rational mind to think abstractly about situations before entering a thoughtless frenzy of emotion-based dumbness? It seems to me that the same way rose-tainted glasses manage to alter my perception of things when socially intertwined in what is commonly referred to as a "relationship", sunny weather alters the perception of aforementioned people. I mean I can relate to being completely tangled in an emotional net of instinct-driven decisions, but at some point a stop needs to be put to the madness that is emotional thinking and logic needs to return as the prevalent influence on decisions. Without logic, we'd return to a state of dumb beasts, purely living for survival and reproduction. And if we get back to that point we might as well go back to living in the woods and sustaining ourselves by hunting. So please people, keep your emotions aside next time you decide to be happy and think about actual reasons to be besides it being warm outside, which for me simply does not count.

But well. Most people, as do I, do base a lot of everyday decisions on instinct and intuition. And that is not wrong. Per se. It is normal that we don't analyze every step we take, otherwise humanity would still be stuck in the dark ages simply due to the fact that development would have taken forever. But the problem I addressed above refers much more to those decisions and/or feelings that should be analyzed properly before being taken or felt, seeing as their impact is large enough to justify a slow but well thought through decision.

Okay, I am going to be honest with you guys: I have no idea where I'm going with this, and no clue how to go on. So I am not going to go on, and instead switch my focus to a different topic altogether: a lifestyle I have encountered during a sort of job interview I've had recently. I was meeting the guy I am now going to write articles for in a larger city close to the little town I live in, and he decided to take me with him to meet a few producers and artists he works with in order to write a trial article which would be the base for his appraisal of my writing and therefore also for his decision whether to hire me or not. And well, we ended up in an alternative kind of living community, where artists work, live, drink and smoke together. An enthralling experience to say the least. These people represent for me the kind of life I have always been keen on: the life of a drifter, only marginal responsibilities but full dedication to their art and their peers, a harmonious togetherness outside of mainstream society but not entirely cut-off either. They're doing what I've always been preaching: "living without, but working within". All of them have small jobs to pay the bills and make ends meet, but ultimately their life revolves around their passion that is music. I want that. Exactly that. Which is why I am so glad I got the job as a columnist for the guy, seeing as I have now direct access to these people and can get my foot in the door of journalism, meaning that I am one step closer to being able to lead a similar life: focusing on writing and maybe even making music whilst not being held down in the grudges and dogmas of regular society. The feeling elicited by this vibrant community of like-minded people was as gargantuan in deepness as it was in exhilaration. I finally got to see the kind of life and dedication to a passion I had thought lost in this day and age. I cannot stress how fucking authentic these guys were, how damn cool and relaxed their view of the world was, and how they had very similar views on issues I find important. I mean, this is exactly what I have been striving for, it's quite liberating to know that the possibility of leading such a life is very real and not that far out of reach for me anymore. Plus I now have the opportunity to prove myself in the journalistic field to some extent, which makes me really anxious to finally get to writing the next article. These articles I am writing are by the way almost exclusively going to be coverages of parties this guys' organization throws, and all my expenses will be covered, which is nice. But I am actually just happy to get my name out there. That can of course, as most things in life be traced back to the most basic of human needs asides from shelter and food: the need for recognition. I know that, you know that, everyone does. Understandable enough though, isn't it? As I had already ascertained in an earlier post, we all strive for immortality of sorts. And getting a step closer to being able to work as a journalist/columnist, and thereby having hundreds, if not thousands of people read my words, however mundane and formal they may be in the case of my new job (I was told to keep things formal and clean, at least in the articles that is), and that alone already brings me a bit closer to being unforgettable and rooted in peoples' minds for eternity. I like to think that at least my writing will be able to live on when my body slowly crumbles under the sum of accidents and intoxicants that should long ago have killed me; and if that is actually the case at any point in my life, I will gladly embrace death with a laughter that will echo in history. But enough of that. If I talk about this fascinating idea too much it'll become mundane and I risk sounding self-absorbed, which is something I am not and therefore want to avoid coming across as. 
The point I want to make in all this is actually just that I feel like I've finally crossed the first of probably many bridges on my way to establishing myself as an actual wordsmith and journalist of sorts, and it just feels good. Plus I've gotten a look at the life of those that have music as a main priority in their being; I have gotten a look at real-life examples of the lifestyle I have always striven to live myself. And I also have the feeling that the crossing of aforementioned bridge also has the potential to bring me closer to that kind of existence, making the whole thing even more exciting and enthralling for me.

And that's actually about it. This post turned out to start as depressive, then a sudden cut followed by positivity. And I have to apologize for the inelegance of said switch in topic, but I could not for the life of me figure out how to go on after the first couple of paragraphs, so I decided to be honest about that, cut the golden thread and start anew on something taken directly out of my personal life. Anyway. I do hope that this was enjoyable to you nevertheless, and I am almost on deadline by the way. Well, nothing further need be said, except that I'll leave you, as always, with some good music:

RacknRuin - Dazed & Confused (SKisM's Baroque Out Remix)
-> This melody is so fucking awesome, I can't even begin to describe it, and combined with the heavy fucking drop and the quite well done rap, plus the female vocals, all infused into two and a half minute of awesomeness... Grand track, great artists, amazing music; those were the good days for UKF Dubstep, and Dubstep generally, so... Enjoy!

The Agitator - Say No (Cutline Remix)
-> Asides from having awesome political, anti-oppression lyrics, this song further is fucking amazing musically, with an unexpectedly executed but nevertheless gargantuan drop and an overall nice melodic make-up that reminds me of the earlier Dubstep realeases, so... Enjoy!

Kendrick Lamar feat. Mc Eiht - m.A.A.d City
-> After having put it off for an eternity because I don't believe in the newest rap releases, I finally got around to listening to Kendrick Lamar's "Good Kid, m.A.A.d City" and I can't say that I regret doing so. This guy's actually bringing Compton back on the map, and doing so quite awesomely. Plus he's featuring Mc Eiht who's pretty well-known from his work with "Compton's Most Wanted" back in the NWA-days, which is pretty huge. And Kendrick is not one of your "hoes, money, weed" kind of guys, he actually has substance in his lyrics, so... Enjoy!

Method Man & Redman - Y.O.U 
-> "That's my story, and I'm sticking to it" - Red&Meth together are just funny as hell and awesomely talented MCs, I have always loved all of their work, be it solo or together, and well this song is no exception. The only problem with this is that VEVO needed to censor it of course, but well, now you know which song I mean and can procure an uncensored version somewhere else, so... Enjoy!

Curse feat. Gentleman - Widerstand 
-> Gentleman are a German reggae group that you might have heard of seeing as they're somewhat internationally acclaimed, and Curse is one of the best German lyricists, with deep texts and awesome messages, the one in this song being love, harmony, and standing up to a corrupt and depraved system. All in all this is a great and really chill song, so... Enjoy!

Warren Zevon - The Hula Hula Boys 
-> Guess how I got the idea to feature this song? Exactly! "The curse of Lono", a great book written by my favorite author, Hunter S. Thompson. He mentioned it in there, and I've just had to Google it, and I was not disappointed. Cool song with a funny story in it, and well "I didn't come to Maui to be treated like a jerk", so... Enjoy!

So, this is it for now. And I know I'm somewhat past my deadline once again, which this time was not because I didn't get time to write, but rather because I took an eternity to choose the songs I would feature. I don't know why it took me as much time as it did, but I am definitely pleased with the outcome and I hope you are as well, I've got a pretty awesome selection above I think. And well, this post was somewhat weirder than my previous ones, but "when the going gets weird, the weird turn pro" (HST), so I am confident that this entry is worth of being on here. I hope you feel the same and that I did not bore you to death. And if I did, please be so kind as to make your demise noticeable so that you don't stink up your apartment building; rotten corpses smell really intensely bad. 


Peace!

I could essentially

start this post with the same exact title as the previous one. "Why, oh why". But this time it would go on with something like "can I not keep myself from my own emotions?". Which is something I am really asking myself lately. Bear my last post in mind. Social intertwining is ultimately doomed and therefore engaging in such can be considered stupid, mad even. That was the conclusion; the end of all hope. 

“Can’t repeat the past?…Why of course you can!” 

                  - F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

And now fate, or whatever, has decided to jolt my transfixed bad mood upwards, and give me back what sucked the life clean out of me whilst it was gone. Ironically enough, this has, as the avid reader may have noticed, happened twice already, which had proven my long ago reached conclusion about the senselessness of such intertwining completely. But I can not for the life of me escape those sweet endorphins that dead-bolt rose-tainted glasses onto my eyes. Isn't it ironic that I had forsaken these very emotions already, dismissing them as idle brain-farts always leading to the same painful end? And aren't they? I mean, I should probably quote Mrs. Rita Mae Brown before going any further: "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.". Which is exactly what's happening here, or am I wrong? The ultimate doom I was mentioning has not disappeared, but simply drifted out of focus due to aforementioned endorphin-highs that are more addicting than the most potent crack/heroin mixture any drug-peddling half-mad chemist in some Czech laboratory could come up with. But I'm getting off-topic here. 
What I was discussing was the essential underlying insanity in the action of just trying to jump into the same old relationship Phoenix-style. I am not saying it is a bad thing per se, quite the contrary actually. My feelings towards it are as magnificent as one might imagine them being after the past two weeks of feeling like shit. Still I cannot shake off that lingering voice in the back of my head that is screaming "Dysfunctional! Insane! Just plain damn weird!". But then again, "when the going gets weird, the weird turn pro" (HST), so maybe that's what we're doing? Just taking all the weirdness surrounding us and bringing it to a whole new level? I like to think so actually. Who needs the conforming, normal people acting like they should, even or especially when socially intertwined by the four-letter word that means everything and nothing? I am and always have been a fan of more radical approaches to mundane things anyway, so why bother trying to act as others do in that aspect? So I am, as you could have expected not going to do that. 
But I avoided the question that has been present ever since I introduced my mood swing that has happened because I engaged in a symbiosis that I had doomed and damned just a week ago. This question is if I was wrong with my ranting about the ultimate doom that faces each and every coupling. Unfortunately, no. That remains an omnipresent reality of life. But I may have been wrong about the utter senselessness of engaging in such intertwining. Because despite all evidence to the contrary that presented its ugly face once that uplifting relieving of lonliness was gone, I am happy once again, which is something almost two decades of living have taught me to cherish as long as it lasts - however long that may be. And seeing as aforementioned togetherness increases such moments considerably,the down that eventually comes might actually be worth the up that precedes it. 

"Buy the ticket, take the ride!" as my favorite author would say. And I've bought the ticket a few months ago and the ride is apparently far from over albeit having stopped for an unbearable while. So, I'll ride this ride until the bitter-sweet end that I've discussed in the last post. Which is a beautiful feeling actually. Fuck, I'm alive and I'm fucking loving it! I can not say how long this euphoria will last but as long as it remains I will enjoy it.

Anyway. I have to say that vis-à-vis the shit that's going down in the world, my happiness might be misplaced. But fuck the world. As you know I've long ago established that this entire imaginary construct we call society will collapse under its own dumb mass of braindead parasites. They will drown in the foam of their own filth, sex, and murder, to loosely quote Rorschach from "Watchmen". Mind the "loosely" though, I was too lazy to actually google the exact wording. I have not ever wanted any part in the depraved obscenities that are generally accepted as "social behavior" nowadays, which is also the reason for my general incompatibility when it comes to relationships. But if we take the element of the expected norms out of it and elevate the weird to a professional level... Well, at that point the whole picture changes, and being incompatible in the regular and socially-accepted way is no longer of any importance. Which is hopefully a status that I can fully achieve rather soon. I'm on my way but not quite there yet I feel, which also explains the fall-outs mentioned earlier. But enough of that. The essence of what I am trying to convey here is that if opting out of any social conformity is what you're aiming for, there's no reason why there shouldn't be a special somebody joining you in just that. That is what I actually realized due to this on-off thing that's been going on in my life for a few months now. Whether or not this realization holds any kind of value is another question. I mean, I could actually use a matrix allegory here: Some people within the matrix are simply not yet ready to be freed and will use all their might and cunning to perpetuate the status quo. Just like in real life, some people may simply not be ready to opt out of societal norms and therefore try with all their power to stay within. But then along comes a person defying the very system these people are sworn to protect, and an emotional bond is established. That's when things get complicated. Because someone immersed in the system and someone trying to avoid being just that cannot usually co-exist for a long time without serious quarrel. But an emotional bond may be too strong to actually stay away from each other, leaving both parties at an impasse. Or rather at what seems like an impasse. The inevitability of doom is present in any emotional connection but in the one just described it is actually being postponed quite a bit in comparison to a coupling where both partners are either opted in or out of society's relentless grip. The reason for this is that small fractions of the ultimate doom are shattered on the long road towards it of an essentially incompatible couple, meaning that small pieces of the bitter end are being taken away up front so to say, leading to an overall longer-lasting journey. If that even makes any sense. But I believe it does. Or at least I hope so. But fuck if I know. In these highly emotional contexts one can never be entirely sure of any utterance, as proven by the disparity that can be found between this and the previous post. Emotions are highly fucking unpredictable to say the least. Which is on one side, as many may argue, what makes them so unique and special and unicorns and rainbows, but on the other side, my side, it is exactly that what's so fucking annoying about them. If I could just keep those fuckers at bay I'd be so happy. It's not that I don't enjoy being jolted around by endorphin-induced euphoria followed by soul-crushing depression, and then being jolted upwards again. But I'd much rather have some sort of control over the entire process. Not in the sense that I want to be able to choose who I fall for or anything like that, but much rather in the sense of being able to control the degree of madness that comes down on one as soon as aforementioned "fall" has occurred. It's incredible the way grown-up people let their emotional sides get the best of them as soon as it comes down to the notorious four-letter word. And that is the kind of behavior that I would like to be able to suppress when I say that I would like to have full control over my feelings. But this tangent about the control of emotions appeared here quite randomly out of nowhere. 
In the end "errare humanum est, sed perseverare diabolicum", so if I was wrong with the assumption about my utter incompatibility for social intertwining and the senselessness thereof, at least I was "wise" enough not to persist in it, and therefore also not diabolical. I might also be persisting in an erroneous coupling though, but in that case I have to say that being diabolical doesn't seem as bad, but rather good actually. Or Seneca was only partially right, but I doubt that. So I am either persisting in my fallacious assumption and thereby slowly morphing from human to he-devil, or I was wrong with my initial assumption from my last post and am now being human by admitting just that. Either way, I have already been or will be proven wrong. Which is simply part of life and nothing to be ashamed of in my humble opinion. Not many a soul thinks like that though, being wrong seems like the ultimate sin nowadays, which is quite simply put idiotic. If we didn't err and therefore stumble at all, we'd never learn how to accept that and get back on our feet, and lacking that kind of experience would quickly transform the human race into a bunch of whiny little pricks. Not that we're much better now, mind you. But at least there are still a lot of people who know how to deal with defeat and fallacious reasoning in a decent, civil kind of way. Which would essentially just be to accept it, get back up, and then move on. But too many idiots are too stubborn and far too set in their own opinion of themselves to actually accept that they were wrong. And these fucking retards then use all of their might to try and prove that they have been right after all, even if that means doing a whole bunch of hurtful, depraved, and downright immoral bullshit. Just because it is too fucking embarrassing for them to admit an erroneous decision and learn from that mistake. No, they've got to be right from the very start, and cannot see that that's just fucking impossible. But well, to each his own I guess, and I've learned to recognize and avoid these parasitic parodies of human beings anyway. Plus I am usually more than able to actually make them see the fallacy of their ways in a rather brutally honest way, making my encounters with these... people... a rather fun experience for me, and a soul-crushing disastrous realization for them. So a win-win situation in the greater context. 

But fuck all that. Some, or actually most come to think of it, of them will never change anyhow. And well, that's essentially just to way life is, in some ways there will always be a few things that one just needs to cope with, as mentioned in my previous post. And that is what makes life so fucking enthralling on one, but also so fucking devastating on the other hand. 
I am getting tired though, so I'll just cut the post off here, and leave you guys be with some good music, as always:

KillaGraham - Clowns
-> I am getting a hard-on just listening to this amazing bit of pure filth! I have always loved the UKF Dubstep Channel, and despite a slight drop in quality in the latest uploads, this epic piece of music is definitely one of the gems on there. Great melody, surprising but awesome drop, and an overall feeling of pure greatness, making this tune fucking awesome, so... Enjoy!

Knife Party - Centipede 
-> Knife Party never disappoints, and this song proves just that... Greatly chosen introductory vocals, followed by a drop of epic proportions with a bass that slaps you through the room, opens your cranium and then forces your soulless body to play football with your brain! Mind-boggling stuff, great artist, and once again found on the best channel for electronic music on YouTube, so... Enjoy!

Flatbush Zombies - Thug Waffle
-> Okay let me start by saying that this not the style of HipHop I usually enjoy, but this song is just so fucking awesome and talking about mankind's favorite plant, meaning that I had to put it on here, and the hook is about the best I've heard in a recent release for quite some time... "Fuck the police though, we smoking like it's legal!"... Enjoy!

Method Man - Uh Huh
-> Let's get back to some classic rap, here is maybe the ill-est MC alive, with a fucking awesome track, a funky-ass beat, and well Method Man's incredible flow and lyrics! Method Man has been around for such a long time, rolling with the Clan way back then, and has since then established himself as one of the very greatest rappers in history, and this tune just proves that this is where he belongs, so... Enjoy!

Metallica - For Whom The Bell Tolls
-> Although I did check to see whether or not I've already posted this one here and did not see it anywhere, I cannot shake the feeling that I had already featured this track... But anyway, great song used in one of the funniest Zombie movies since Shaun of the dead, and well it has been around for ages just like Metallica themselves, making this tune an absolute classic that definitely needs to be here, so... Enjoy!

Machine Head - Halo
-> I've always rather enjoyed Machine Head, they exude this raw energy within their music that is so often lost in today's music, and their riffs and melodic parts are equally amazing. Although I have to say that I was never a fan of switching between a sort-of growling and clean vocals, but in this case it actually works quite well. Plus the video is fucking awesome too, so... Enjoy!

Well, this turned out to be a rather positive post albeit touching on some difficult issues. But seeing as my mood has really gone up again it wasn't all too hard to stay out of narcissistic self-despair and -loathing for once and deliver something at least remotely optimistic. So, I hope you enjoyed my newest ramblings and were not all too annoyed by the fact that I essentially contradicted myself vis-à-vis my previous post.


Peace!

I can't dance

or sing for that matter. That is what I just realized whilst sitting here in Statistics class and internally whistling the Scissor Sisters song. It's not something that bothers me or anything, I have always had a strong stance against the social convention of dressing up prettily and moving to the tact of classical music with a partner. Which is something that people do not seem to understand, but I personally have always seen dancing as an act of ultimate conformity to an ancient, obsolete system and equally dated values. And fuck me if I am going to do that, I have not ever been convinced by anyone to do so, and whilst some may see it differently, I treat that as an accomplishment. A pretty huge one actually, given the pressure multiple parties put me under when graduation day approached. But like a rock in the surge I remained resilient against any and all tries to get me to "finally" learn how to dance. Fucking hell, those people were annoying. Like my memory of that day would have been enhanced by the knowledge that I moved around to stupid-ass music like a fucking clone. It would actually have been worsened by it, which is why I stayed strong, and, in spite of all pleas and offers, did not join in when "all the graduates" were asked to "come down to the floor", but rather stayed in the back with a good friend of mine enjoying my beer, my decision, and my life in general. It was a good night. And the faces of pure confusion and anger on my classmates' faces when they realized that I was actually being serious was fucking priceless to say the least. Just remembering that evening actually causes a big grin to appear on my face, and isn't that what really counts? That I can personally look back at my graduation party and know that I enjoyed myself there. Even if doing so meant that I had to piss off quite a lot of people. 

But well, it's not like I have ever cared about them or their opinions. And that's not only referring to my former classmates, some of which were actually alright, but rather to mankind altogether. "I just don't give a fuck.", as Eminem so fittingly put it. Which applies to me in a lot of ways. I simply do not care about so many things. That is a kind of behavior that has been prevalent throughout my existence, but always in different forms. I have not given a fuck all throughout high school, which back then showed itself in me skipping classes and living as unhealthily as possible. But those were mainly my hormones acting up I guess. Nowadays I have just stopped giving a fuck about society and my place within it. And I have stopped caring so much that I am the most tolerant person you'll ever meet, because I simply have no interest in your color of skin, sexual preferences, and way of dressing or acting. At all. "Live and let live" are real words to live by here. As long as you don't annoy me, I won't annoy you. And if you try to annoy me I will just leave. It's as simple as that, and if more people thought that way, the world would be a much better place. But I have touched on this issue before. Notwithstanding I am feeling a sudden urge to write about it again, but am rather doubtful that I will come to any fresh conclusions or revelations in the course of doing so. Is it really that hard to find new topics though? I mean not only here, but more like generally. My entire way of being and thinking seems to revolve around a few central themes and issues that change in manifestation but never in essence. It all boils down to the same exact stew. And whilst that may seem like something one would easily get sick and tired of, I don't actually mind. For reasons outlined above mainly. Even if my life were the monotonous dulling glob that I fear it is sometimes, why should I care? I am quite happy with the way things are going lately, and have always had a certain sense of contentedness in my life. In some periods that was essentially gone, but it always remained lingering in the background of my psyche. Which can once again be related to the fact that not giving a fuck makes you de facto happy, seeing as when you just don't care about things they quickly stop bothering you. So, am I perpetuating the "yolo" lifestyle that has apparently become dominant in my generation by saying that not giving a fuck is the way to go? I like to think that I'm not. It is so fucking pathetic to use that slogan as an excuse for incredibly stupid and at times dangerous behavior. I mean you know my feelings towards drug-use and similar things, but there is such a thing as doing it smartly, and in moderation. And the people that actually use such slogans as a way to define their "unique" lifestyle are just fucking idiots. Such. Fucking. Idiots. Which is why I draw a very clear line between these fuckers and myself. My definition of not giving a fuck and living life for the day differs largely from what these... creatures believe to be the "right way to go, man". I mean there is an obvious difference between healthy non-caring and deliberately getting into dangerous situations. Even if it may seem similar, and even though the reasons might be akin to each other, the resulting personalities are extremely different. So fucking different that I feel the need to make sure I am not ever thrown into a pot with these fucking parasites. Behaving like a jackass does not make you "cool" or give you "swag". And I should kill myself for even using a word like the latter. But I am in need of making a point, so it's somewhat appropriate. Anyway, it seems that nowadays the common denominator among these people is that stupidity and recklessness pay off, or make you cool. I mean what the hell? That is just too idiotic to be put into words. Actually it's sad. How youth culture has deteriorated since "the good old days" that I myself unfortunately never experienced is fucking depressing to say the least. Damn, I sound like an old hippie reminiscing the sixties: "Back in the Woodstock days our movement meant something man, we were changing the world one trip at a time". Ha. Albeit being too cliche for words, this sentence holds a truth. Not caring about the obsolete societal system in place used to be expressed in political songs and demonstrations combined with heavy use of psychoactive substances. But nowadays it's simply not about the real anymore. Nowadays that carelessness is expressed in idiocy, which is of course exactly the way the system in place and those guarding it want it to be: "Let the idiots live their pathetic fantasies while we're making cash and brainwashing future generations with our poisoned, foul, and rotten ideologies". And without noticing it, a lot of people are simply playing into that, doing what they're supposed to, functioning without thinking, not smoking but drinking, and slowly turning into lifeless shells that have more resemblance to decaying cadavers than to human beings. This can essentially be related back to a few of my anti-society posts, but I think I've never touched on this particular aspect before.

Actually, let's look at it from another perspective. Think about a nightclub, or a rave. What does it look like these days? There's sluts in skirts barely covering any flesh weirdly shaking their behinds to bad electronic music with even worse vocals, there's the guys that only come out of the gym for the party and look like a drunk Schwarzenegger copy (which is not a fucking compliment by the way), and there's your typical aggressive asshole only looking for a fight. And what happens there? Well, the sluts usually get fucked by the Schwarzeneggers at some point, the assholes get into fights with each other, and "normal" club-goers like me have long left because the scene was too obscene and depraved to bear. Now think about the same place or event, but 30 to 50 years ago. There were close to no fights. There were no totally-ripped, abercrombie&fitch wearing douches. There were sluts, but they weren't instantly recognizable as such, and there was at least a little work involved to get into their pants. The people were not there because they wanted to make sure that everyone sees how fucking cool they feel they are, no, the people were there to drop some acid, pop a couple of pills, and be unified in happiness and dance. They felt a sense of togetherness within the music; they felt as part of a movement that tuned in and dropped out just for the heck of it, but also as a statement to authority, society, and the conservative system. These day-dreaming hippies had more political ambition in their little finger than today's club-goers will ever have in their entire being. And that is just fucking sad. I mean of course, going out shouldn't have to be a sign of protest every time, and it should of course be about having fun, but that's not even the way it is nowadays. No, these days going out feels like going to a beauty-contest of sorts; everybody is trying to look better than the next person, everyone is trying to show that they can do the most drugs ('combat-drinking' as it is called in Germany, and yes alcohol is a drug, actually one of the worst ones there are), and no-one is showing that they're just fucking stoked to be there with all the similar-minded people. Simply because people are not even close to being similar to each other anymore, and everyone is going to these clubs for a plethora of different reasons, meaning that the unison that was felt "back in the days" is completely out of the picture. And that is what is most sad - people are competing instead of co-operating, hating instead of loving, and destroying instead of creating. We need to go back to what the students in '69 were trying to convey to us: Peace, Love, and Harmony. As much as these words sound like cliches of a stoned acid-freak, it would make the world a much better place if everyone just tried to apply the underlying concept to their own lives. So much better. But well, that's not the way a "normal" human being is supposed to be apparently, no, we're geared for competition in all aspects of our existence, we're taught to always outsmart and outdo others in order to succeed. We need to fucking change our way of thinking. Or we'll just use our nukes at some point and wipe ourselves out completely. Which would probably be best anyway.

Well, all that is essentially left to say is that I really hope that at least some of you will try and incorporate the thoughts expressed above into your lives, if just a couple people would behave differently and try to achieve harmony with their surroundings, I would be extremely happy. But anyway, I hope I have at least given you something to think about, or reminded you of values long forgotten. And well, at this point I will as always leave you with some good music:

Showtek - Fuck The System 
-> Oh my god. How much better of a song could I have picked? He essentially reiterates the thoughts expressed above, and well although hardstyle is not my all-time favorite kind of music, this song gets really well after the somewhat boring intro. And well, for all of you impatient people that want to know what the fuck I was talking about when I said he essentially says the same as me, fast forward to 0:59. But anyway, this song holds so much truth, and really expresses words to live by more or less if you ask me, so... Enjoy!

Torqux - No Way Back 
-> Look, I've spent some time on the UKF Dubstep channel once again, and stumbled upon this dark beauty here. Amazing intro that sound somewhat familiar (if anyone knows where I could know it from please let me know!), slowly building up to insane drops and an overall musical awesomeness with an extremely heavy, somber feel to it. Well, an all in all amazing tune, so... Enjoy!

D12 - Purple Pills 
-> "Cool, calm, just like my mom, with a couple of Valium inside her palm" Eminem was so much better on drugs. Like most artists actually, as soon as they're clean they stop making this creatively fucked up and awesomely funny music. But well, this song is just so fucking great, I can't even put into words how much I enjoy listening to it over and over and over again, it's just such a drug-enthusiastic track couple with D12's unique humor. This tune is so great you have no choice but to... Enjoy! (it)

Eminem - The Kids 
-> "Drugs are bad, m'kay?" Haha. Well, I have to say that I usually don't feature an artist twice in one post, but well, this song just needed to be here because it is as awesome as the one above, and just sarcastically shows the extreme examples that are always made up in the media when it comes to the topic of drugs, making this song even more awesome, and well Eminem's humor is just so great. And yeah, I have noticed that the lyrics' timing is way off, but I couldn't find another video right now, so you'll just have to live with that. Anyway, this song is fucking awesome, so... Enjoy!

The Beatles - Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds 
-> Some say this song was based on a picture John Lennon's son, but I believe it is about LSD (as do many others). It just describes this incredibly individual and spiritual drug so perfectly, it shows how abstract it is and how little one can actually say about it. And well "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds". And the trippy-ass video that looks like it was thought up whilst on acid anyway. Regardless of the songs content though, it is musically awesome and The Beatles were just a great band, so...Enjoy!

Deep Purple - Child In Time
-> Here is another psychedelic classic, this time by Deep Purple, and well... music like this just isn't made anymore. The incredible vocals, the drums, the guitar, just everything, it's like a perfect orgasm slowly rising and coming to an amazingly beautiful finale. This is one of the songs that remind of why I enjoy music so much, it reminds me that I was born way too late, and shows how fucking talented musicians used to be. All in all, it's just an amazing tune that everyone should know, and if you don't you're in for a treat, so... Enjoy!

Well, I once again fucked up the deadline, didn't I? But not as badly as last time, this post took only 10 days instead of eleven to be completed. Which is still three days too much, but I'm slowly getting there. Anyway, this entry is mostly concerning itself with society, not giving a fuck, and drugs, which are very dominant themes in this blog, but well, these are also the things I spent most of my time thinking about, so I put these thoughts down here. Plus I am really trying to slowly work through all aspects of these topics. Which is impossible to do in a single post, so I am always rehashing these subjects in a different light, which is hopefully enjoyable to you.


Peace!

Here is

a new layout once again. Or rather the slightly overblown cosmic layout I had put on here earlier was reverted back to a simple, greyish theme. Which holds a certain understatement if you ask me. The simplicity of the layout and the 'Courier New' font clashing with the complexity of the posts content. Or something like that. But anyway, I really think that the former design was not as legible as I would have it wanted it to be, and some people actually complained about getting headaches because of it, so I felt that I had to change it. After having played around with multiple backgrounds and colors I got frustrated seeing as I couldn't arrange anything even remotely good-looking. Which is why I finally decided to just use a template from Google. So much for originality, but in the end it's the content that matters and not the way it is presented. And due to the fact that this is a subtle and unobtrusive theme I think that it was the right choice. However, I am not the one having to deal with it seeing as I don't read my posts on the actual blog but just on Bloggers administrative interface so I am asking you to comment here with your opinion on it.

Now I have tried to create some sort of author-reader relationship at earlier points in this blogs existence, and all attempts at it so far have failed. Miserably. So no more polls or anything like that, it's just too frustrating to see that no-one takes the two fucking seconds to cast a vote in a period of ten days. All I am doing this time is imploring you to please just leave a small comment saying "like" or "dislike". I am not even ask you to formulate sentences, I am not asking for constructive feedback or anything like that. Just your fucking opinion on the layout. Please, do me that favor for once.

Anyway, I am getting tired, and will leave you be with a couple of songs: 

Astronaut - Apollo 
-> I have featured Astronaut on here before with their song "Quantum" I believe, and whilst it is still true that I find their sound to be a little too pop-ish I have to say that I really like most of the songs I have heard so far, and I love their awesome animated videos to go along with their great tracks, so... Enjoy!

N.W.A. - Chin Check(feat. Snoop Dogg)
-> This is one of these songs that I might have featured on here before but am unsure whether I did. While I did look through the blog and didn't see it that doesn't mean a lot seeing as I tend to overlook things. But anyway, this song is a fucking classic and there's Snoop Dogg together with NWA on it, so there really is nothing left to say, so... Enjoy!

Nirvana - Come As You Are 
-> You can idolize or demonize Kurt Cobain, I do not care. The guy made great great music, bringing the Grunge-genre to a worldwide audience which regardless of your feelings towards that kind of music is a huge fucking achievement! And whilst this is one of Nirvana's most popular songs from their most popular album it still is fucking awesome, so... Enjoy!

Skrillex & Damian "Jr. Gong" Marley - Make It Bun Dem 
-> Skrillex is of course very mainstream and not usually my favorite artist, this song that I first heard whilst playing Far Cry 3 is so extremely fucking great that I had to feature it here at some point, and I hope that you can be equally enthusiastic about it as I was when I first heard it, so... Enjoy!

So, whilst maybe sounding a little harsh about no-one interacting and voicing their opinion I do think that it would be nice of you to actually do that once in a while. I myself am like one of the worst readers that anyone could have, but even I leave the occasional comment and that has so far only been done by two people on here both of which are personal friends of mine. Which does not mean that I want to demean these comments' value but only that I would like to see that my audience has expanded beyond my circle of friends.

But whatever, the central point of this post is the announcement of the new layout anyway, which I did. I hope you like it though!


Peace!  

Food For Thought #4

Hmpf.
I could not get around to writing anything this weekend unfortunately, seeing as my rich, snobby-ass landlords forced me to renovate my fucking apartment, which is not something that I completely opposed doing seeing as renovating was kind of necessary, but in principle I disagree with being forced to do anything, especially by some shady clause in a shady-ass contract, and especially when it makes me postpone my new post until the next month, so that now there are only three posts in February. Good job, assholes.
But now my apartment is renovated and looks nice and new, which is great. Just great. Especially considering that I am moving out in two months. Awesome. I love working for other people, because I am such a fucking humanitarian. It just pisses me off that I was conned into signing something that forces me to actually renovate my flat not because I feel like it but because my landlords feel like it.

I am getting lost in raging thoughts though. I mean I am at fault too, but I really didn't have a choice either, so I guess in the end, everyone and no-one is to blame. The peaceful way of the middle, as always. But all of that is not the reason I am posting tonight, no, as the title already gave away, I have decided to actually sit down and finally write a new "Food For Thought" segment in which I will be tormenting you with my thoughts on my latest obsession, which is essentially just pissing out of my ass and venting about random things. There is only a slight problem. I am lacking a topic, like literally drawing a blank. I sat down, knowing that I wanted to write a new "Food For Thought", ready to bust out fifteen hundred words of compressed wisdom, yet here I am, getting lost in meaningless ramblings once again, unable to formulate a sentence that has more meaning to it than the sum of its words. It's crazy, I've already struggled with this in my last post, and had promised myself to start this month with something of actual value to you, my readers. So, here goes nothing.

Have you ever wondered about the problems stemming from people projecting their own inadequacies on others that are situated below themselves in whatever hierarchy they happen to be in and the harm that these people are actually causing? You probably haven't, so allow me to elaborate.
What I mean is something we have all encountered at some point in our lives, be it at school, at university, at the workplace, or anywhere with an enforced hierarchy. In these places there are always people who have managed to stay in a company or organization long enough to move up the ranks without drawing any attention to their utter lack of competence and social skills. When these people then arrive in a position that grants them a certain amount of authority they see that as the perfect opportunity to make everybody pay for their lack of skills by trying to make people feel as unfit for life as they actually are. And the worst part is that, since they are backed by authority they are actually succeeding. At least that is the feeling I am getting. The first time I even noticed the existence of this phenomena was back in elementary school.
I was in France, and had German classes, and the teacher insisted on teaching us a wrong conjugation of an irregular verb, so I told her that she was telling us complete and utter bullshit. But alas, seeing as she had the authority, my entire class was taught wrongly until I managed to get the headmaster to talk to the bitch. And even he was reluctant to do so at first, but seeing as he was a good person he listened to reason. And grammar. But let's examine what happened here. The teacher somehow managed to cover up her failure as an educator up to this point. I then stumbled upon that burden by uncovering a common mistake that could have been dismissed by her as such. But her inability to admit that error shows that she feels that her underlying insecurity and inadequacy is being exposed, making her take a defensive and aggressive stance towards my correcting her because she feels threatened in her authority and authenticity.
This behavior is not typical only to elementary school teachers, but it's prevalent everywhere in life. And in my example it was clear-cut case, which it usually isn't, making it extremely difficult to distinguish the actually well-meant influences from those that simply arose from underlying imperfections the influencing person finds in him- or herself. Let's for example take the manager whose wife is always nagging him about him being too busy with his job and not making time for his family. He knows this to be true, but does not want to face that it's his own faults that led to this being the case, meaning that he will now try to pass these inadequacies onto his subordinates by making them work longer and bashing the results of this extended work, leading to them feeling incompetent and worthless, and ultimately reducing their chances of having a successful career because their self-esteem is thereby steadily decreasing over time. These parasites that can not handle their own pathetic lives are slowly grinding down the motivation of the intelligent visionaries stuck in lower-management positions, poisoning the creativity and spirit of those hierarchically below them.
And you know what? It is our motherfucking fault. Yes, we are all once again to blame. We've let these stupid insecure assholes go through high school, college, and university without even trying to properly educate them. And by that I don't mean just factual data from books and general knowledge. I also mean that these people were never taught to be secure about their insecurities, these people have never been taught that being wrong is okay, even if you're hierarchically higher than the person who's right. And you know why they have never learned all that? Because it is not taught anywhere. Those up the chain are always right, their authority is without question, we are not taught to ask and defy anymore but rather to accept and obey, which is a practice that creates the kind of people I was talking about earlier - the kind of people that only understand the alleged superiority of those in power, do not bother questioning things, and think that they're on top of the world anyway, until the moment comes where someone in a lower rank is smarter. That's when all hell breaks loose. That's when these assholes try to suppress any criticism directed towards them, which in turn makes those criticizing insecure in their right and finally shuts them up for good until they reach an upper-management position themselves where they will, out of experience, repeat the same bullshit again and again, until every shred of initiative and intelligence has been squashed and these creatures remain in their ignorant positions of perceived power forever. Because being smart doesn't matter. Doing the right things doesn't matter. Behaving like a decent human being doesn't matter. Knowing right from wrong doesn't matter. Nothing fucking matters except for your ability to kiss ass, take names, and shut the fuck up. Don't think that management is making mistakes, because they aren't. And if they are, they still aren't. Or they are, but it's really the employees' mistake that have caused repercussions that made it seems like management is making mistakes when it clearly isn't. That's as simple as it gets in today's ugly corporate world. And we're still wondering why less and less employees actually aspire to move up on the rotten and foul construct that once was the career ladder. We're being taught that bosses are assholes, because we've let them be assholes for way too long, and are actually creating new, even assholier assholes to follow suit, reducing the whole concept of hierarchy to a gigantic shit-throbbing asshole that spews out pieces of diarrhea in form of inappropriate criticism and manipulative conversation from time to time. It's sad really, that the only way to prepare people for authority is by placing authority over them in order to make them feel how it needs to be done, which is sad because most authorities placed over individuals nowadays are either working but in themselves corrupt, or incompetent and insecure but very convincing. I am not even sure which kind is better, it's like choosing to get either AIDS or cancer actually, if both were still equally incurable that is.
The convincing one convinces by being big and loud, and in itself doesn't know anything, which it wants to cover up, making a very large impression on its subordinates and thereby training them to be incompetent but convincing as well. The corrupt one, on the other hand seems to be working flawlessly and is usually more than knowledgeable in its field of expertise, but alas, has chosen to be controlled by those with money and/or the lack of moral fiber to blackmail, meaning that its subordinates are trained effectively in being seemingly perfect but constantly enriching themselves by less-than-reputable means. And that is the kind of education that was being dropped on our ancestors, is being dropped on us, and will be dropped on our offspring, and there is close to nothing any of us can possibly do about it, simply because it is as usually only a small fraction of people actually realizing these adverse influences stemming from the wrong people being at the wrong end of chains-of-command everywhere. If everybody realized these issues, a whole lot of bastards would lose their jobs overnight, and an even bigger lot of decent people would get the jobs and positions they deserve, not those kind of positions that don't fit anyone involved but still require everybody to bend over backwards for them. But that is, as always, not going to happen. Not a chance.

Which is why I'll leave this topic be for now, I am getting depressed writing about it and have covered the most important points that I wanted to make, so there is no real reason to continue ranting about this.
The central theme here is omnipresent throughout most of my posts anyway, we're being enslaved and turned into mindless parodies of individuals, barely resembling decent human beings anymore, just functioning in a crooked system that turns us into crooked puppeteers only existing to ensure that our puppets will be equally crooked when they inherit the same strings given by the same masters, just equipped with new puppets, and so on. Technology is advancing but mankind is caught in a downwards spiral with at best slim chances of ever recovering. And it's been this way for so long, people that have died before I was even born had already realized it, and people that will be born after I have died will realize it again, but something is perpetuating the status quo with such a force that nothing seems to be able to throw it out of balance. I mean, it already took us a few millennia to get rid of monarchy and dictatorships, and not even close to everywhere yet. And with the stupidity and greed of people steadily increasing, I doubt that we'll see any changes for the better anytime soon. Yeah, of course, we're getting new freedoms here and there, the first nations are starting to realize what the Netherlands had already realized a century ago: Weed is relatively harmless and has the potential of becoming a gigantic cash cow of tax-related profits, so we're going to regulate the market for it. Which is fucking awesome and about damn time if you ask me, but the system in itself remains. Society remains. And that's the root of the problem, the only reason that drugs were ever illegalized to begin with. Amongst the corruption, greed and "political favors" that led there.

But that's a different story, and will not be dealt with now. Now I am just glad to have finally finished this post that I started typing yesterday evening but didn't get around to finishing seeing as I had to get up way too early today and therefore went to bed before I was done typing.

And looking back on this post, I must say that I struggled at points to keep on topic, it' so easy to stray into different areas especially on these kind of issues that all relate to my favorite central theme. But I do think I managed to get different points across than in the "Food For Thought" that concerned itself only with aforementioned subject. At least I hope so, if you thought it to be repetitive please let me know, I want to annoy, but sure as hell do not want to bore people.

Wrapping this all up though, I hope this post was enjoyable to you, and, well, I know it was pretty sinister again but it has to be for this topic, and I don't really think that you guys will mind anyway, so I'll leave you be with some music now:

Fedde Le Grand & DI-RECT - Where We Belong (Zomboy Remix)
-> Hmm, crunchy! Zomboy is a great artist, and this remix is nicely done, it has this awesome "in your face" feeling to it which I really enjoy, so all in all an amazing piece of art... Enjoy!

 Don Dibalo ft. Dragonette - Animale (Datsik Remix)
 -> This is a great song that I discovered completely by accident a couple of years ago, and I have never even heard the original to be honest, but Datsiks remix is fucking sick, so... Enjoy!

Geto Boys - G-Code
-> What a classic song, can not believe I hadn't put it on here earlier, Geto Boys are an awesome group, great artists, and amazing lyrics, all in all a great package, and this song is an epitome to the groups greatness... Enjoy!

N.W.A. - Fuck Tha Police
-> An even more classic song than the previous one, and I am even more astonished by the fact that this track was not included earlier, I mean this is one of the most famous tracks in the history of Hip Hop, and well, 'nuff said actually... Enjoy!

Cheech & Chong - WEed are the world
-> Hahaha, this is an awesome song by Cheech&Chong, mainly outlining that they're still alive, kicking ass, and smoking more weed than most of us will ever get to see! These guys are the living embodiment of every stoner to have ever lived, and are still rocking it today, big up to them... Enjoy!

AC/DC - You Shook Me All Night Long
-> classic track, and all in all AC/DC are fucking awesome and need to and will be on here a lot, seeing as they're on of the best fucking bands out there, and their music will last throughout the ages, including this great great song by them... Enjoy!

So, I am finally done with this beast of a post. It took me almost three days to actually finish this thing, and I apologize for taking such an eternity to do this, but somehow I was way too busy to actually finish it in one sitting like I usually would. And yesterday I couldn't add any music because my roommate was already sleeping and I need to turn the volume all the way up in order to properly listen to the songs I am going to dump on you, so I had to wait until this morning to actually finish this post, which is unfortunate, but gave me the opportunity to write a lot more than I had expected to and choose high quality songs over a period of almost two days, I hope you guys will appreciate it.

But anyway, this is really all I have to say for now, take care.

Peace!