My potential

has always surpassed my ambition by far, and I cannot shake the feeling that that is something not entirely uncommon in "talented" people. Which I don't really consider myself as being actually. But there are many voices (not in my head by the way...) that have told me that what I produce here and elsewhere in writing can be considered a "potential for great talent" of sorts, but I'm not really feeling up to meeting such grand expectations to be honest. Plus whenever I get praised I tend to get somewhat lazy and start dropping in quality. So I'll just stick to being humble and work within my normal frame of mind. 

Anyway. This "great potential" thing has its roots back in school, where I was constantly told that I have such potential but am simply wasting it with my laziness and slacker-attitude. But well. I have come to terms with not fully using the alleged potential that people seem to think I have and rather stick to doing things the way I want. And so should everyone else. Those that even care that is. Most of you won't. Hell, I am not sure I do, so what's the point in all this? Well. The moments enticing you to subtly formulate sentences that might be of actual literary value and have a chance to live on long after your physical demise are those that seem the most mundane at first, so setting expectations for yourself way too high trying to meet some "potential" others tell you they see in you is bound to lead to failure. Or at least, if not even worse, to disappointment. So do not look at your favorite author or your mom's opinion to judge your work. Compared to a long-established author, your work will always seem inferior when you compare it yourself. Others will disagree, but that will make you so sure of your writing that you'll end up not even producing a coherent sentence. And your mom will always tell you what you've written is good. Others will disagree, and might be right to do so, but you'll be too blinded by the judgement of your mom or other relatives and therefore dismiss actually constructive feedback, leading once again to you producing bullshit. Now this is not only limited to writing of course, in any given situation where what you do is subject to the judgement of others the same rules apply. I am not saying that what others think of your work is not relevant mind you. I am just saying that you should not let what others think that you could do influence the things that you actually do. And as I write this I realize that I myself am subject to the very things described above, and that it is hard to actually set aside all praise and criticism ever received whilst typing. Which is not a bad thing per se, seeing as it helps me to avoid things that have been pointed out to me that I myself then saw needed changing. But it is a bad thing in the sense of me not questioning my every word as much anymore, seeing as that usually results in some typos and even erroneous use of words at times; but it is somewhat impossible to return to that state of healthy uncertainty simply because I keep receiving good feedback about my work. Which I enjoy of course. And I am not feeling any superior or anything like that either, but there is a certain emotion lingering somewhere in my subconsciousness compelling me to just type things without thinking of a theme or concept, and without re-reading my work to see if it makes sense. I just expect it to work, and somehow it usually does. Hell, every essay I've ever written in my entire life has been written that way, and I've had a decent grade for every single one of them. So, am I giving in to expectations set by others that believe in my potential by just expecting the things I write to be of quality and make sense? I don't know, maybe I am. But when I read my own entries weeks or even months after publishing them, I am usually quite contend with the result of my typing frenzies. And therefore I rely on this concept for as long as it yields the results I expect it to, namely entertaining blog posts for you guys. And well, articles, essays, my novel, essentially anything I type. Although I do do some research for news articles, so the concept does not apply entirely, but seeing as I still write them in a single sitting without laying out a structure beforehand, I guess it does apply to some extent.

But fuck all that. I am sitting here, watching "Meet The Spartans" - low-brow potty humor I know, but after a good 24 hours of being awake I am kind of enjoying it. My brain seems fried anyway, I am no longer thinking in circles but getting stuck in the corners of the squares my thinking is currently made up of. Thinking isn't smooth right now. It's an erratic, speed-frenzied jumping back and forth in the great void between my right and left ear. I may have overdone things a bit yesterday evening and night. I was just about to experience a circulatory breakdown due to the fact that I stupidly used my asthma-inhaler in my current condition.  
(By the way, I do not actually have asthma - I just fucked up my lungs by smoking cigarettes up to a degree which made my doctor tell me to at least take the goddamned spray so that I can make it to age 40. Or something like that, I was a bit fucked up when I last went there and my memories are a little hazy to be honest. The essence is that my lungs are bad and that I need to use an asthma-spray in order to alleviate the weight of the cancerous black tar pressing down on my mistreated, wheezing pulmonary alveoli.) 
My entire vision got blurry and was centered to a tunnel-like vortex before I finally managed to sit down and let my body rest for a while. I am now fairly confident that I can stand up with ease again actually.  And I just did. Not with as much ease as I had expected, but in my current state of being that does not come as a surprise to me. So, in the marginal confines that my current condition allows I am rather well. Plus writing seems to be helping quite a bit. As long as I have my brain focused on creating coherent sentences that hold some meaning, I am not getting stuck in aforementioned corners and am therefore also not persisting on whatever imaginative paranoid monomania my deranged brain decides to come up with. Which is a good thing as you can imagine, simply because getting obsessed with some craze in my altered state of mind might turn ugly on me pretty quickly. So, I'll have to keep on writing, keep the flow going, don't get stuck on obtuse syntax or vocabulary questions, just keep it moving. I need movement, I need action, I have a need for speed so to say, and I am cranked up to an almost ugly maximum at the moment. Luckily it's not quite ugly yet and albeit some muscle spasms and temporary vertigo, I am still not feeling the tiniest bit of remorse or god forbid regret. I take responsibility for my own actions. Even if that means spending the entire day hunkered down in my room, cautiously avoiding people, and not feeling able to produce anything that makes sense anymore. Yet somehow still writing, which is somewhat contradictory I know, but writing is a kind of red line guiding my thoughts in a 'friendly' direction (for lack of a better word), so it seems like the primal parts of my brain are using the composition of words to keep the more sophisticated areas of my cerebrum from a long and dreadful pitfall leading to complete and utter exasperation when trying to think in meaningful terms. And as long as that's working, at least to some extent, I feel that I can hang on to this that I currently perceive as being my last straw already dangling at a silver thread. I have to admit that that sounds a bit melodramatic, but it actually sums up my feelings when it comes to this topic quite nicely.

Damn! I stared into the nothingness with an empty mind for about five minutes without even noticing just now. It literally feels like my brain has turned to mush. A grey, tasteless, emotionless mush, left with no abilities except to serve as ballast for my skull. Sounds sad, I know. But it'll pass. Tomorrow is another day, and it's going to be a lot less junkie-like than yesterday and today turned out to be. Well, not junkie-like per se. I am still writing this sitting on my retractable bed in the comfort of my medium-well cleaned apartment, with an abundance of psychoactive substances and clean tap water. Which is essentially all I need to survive today. And if I don't overdo the psychoactive chemicals like I did yesterday, I'll be able to catch a good night's sleep, and finally get caught up on the slumber time I've missed these past days. Or at least reach my all-time favorite state of being: the psychotic, deranging, maddening and tiring half-sleep madness that leaves one more exhausted and done for afterwards than one was prior to it. I wonder why my body insists on that kind of "rest" (mind the quotes, they're there for a reason...) instead of just saying Fuck It and using its last resources to stay awake until all fuel is used up, all body parts worn out, every last shred of sanity gone, finally collapsing on or near my bed and then staying asleep for about twelve hours. Just to wake up, enjoy my full cognitive powers for a while, and then start over. Not that that is a normal routine for me, but well, it's the holidays, and friends are coming to visit me, so events tend to transpire and lead from one to another, finally leaving me in the frame of mind thoroughly described in the previous paragraphs. And at some point this lifestyle is going to catch up to me, I realize that. But until then, I am not going to spend my time worrying about when I've reached the point of no return, or when I've gone over the edge. Because, as Hunter S. Thompson rightly said: "[T]he only people who really know where it [the edge] is are the ones who have gone over.". Which is just really fucking true. I mean I know with a fair amount of certainty that I have been close, like really fucking close to the notorious edge. But I cannot say where the edge would actually have been, and if I could I probably wouldn't be around anymore to write about it.

I think that in a certain way, we're all trying to make tiny steps towards the mystery that is the edge in order to test ourselves, to see how close we can get without going over. Which might be considered as being a stupid, and at times even a downright suicidal kind of behavior. But we all do it in our own way. Some use drugs, others sport, others fast cars or motorcycles, others violence, and yet other people use sexual perversions to get as close to where each individual perceives the edge to be. By the way, by "sexual perversions" I do mean pretty hardcore stuff, like S&M, bondage, that kind of shit. I do not however mean downright inhumane and intolerable perversions such as pedophilia or necrophilia. As to bestiality, I suppose if that's what gets you going, then go for it; just make sure that no PETA-members are near you when you do, otherwise you'll be burned at the stake. Why that is, you ask? Well, the goat did not consent to either having put a filthy penis inside of it, or to having its poor penis stuck inside of your vagina/butt. At least that's the kind of reasoning PETA-people will subject your poor ears to. So be prepared for that, and bring ear-plugs. And ask them how to make sure that the animal consents; if they can give you an actual answer to that, they might have at least acquired some good writers or actually found some pseudo-smart ecology student willing to talk to the rest of the world on their behalf in a language that people understand instead of the usual PETA mumble-jumble. But I am almost entirely confident that that will not be the case. I am not here to rant on PETA though, at least not today. What I was saying before this tangent about bestiality and PETA appeared was that we're all wanting to "live life on the fast lane" and thereby approach the edge at rapidly increasing speeds, each and every one of us in their own personal way. In the minuscule confines of our own perception of 'extremes' we all strive to reach them, we all want to be outside of boundaries in some way. Even those most people would not consider as being anywhere close to any extremes are actually already approaching their own personal edge at their own, individual pace. Which might be hard to believe, even I find it to be so, but there is some more or less solid evidence that you can see in those you would consider as non-extreme or even downright lame in your lives: In their perception of the world, they're not taking the normal and unadventurous road, but rather the exciting one that is filled with danger; in "their world", they're approaching the illustrious edge rather quickly, even if it may seem like they haven't even found the proper cardinal direction to go in yet. 

"Where is he going with this?", might be the question on your mind right now. Well, I am not entirely sure either. I've jumped from my supposedly great potential to my process to my current condition to the edge to bestiality and PETA, and finally got back to the topic of the edge. An expression for the boundary whose existence I've always been aware of that I found, as you might have guessed already, in a book written by Hunter S. Thompson. I mean I had of course heard people refer to the edge, and I had a vague clue that that might be the right word to use to describe the margin separating fun from folly, trip from psychosis, and essentially life from death, but only in Thompson's works was I able to acquire the proper depth required to understand his notion of the edge. And as soon as I had done so - understood what he meant by it - I realized that that is exactly the figurative place I had always somewhat known about but had never been sure what term I could use to label it with. "Cliff" would have been the best thing I could have come up with on the spot. And if I had actually spent much time pondering the issue I probably would have wound up using the word Edge whether I had known of HST or not. Because - as most things written by him do - the expression just fits that figurative point of no return like a boxing glove fits on the fists of Muhammad Ali. Thompson has found what I consider to be the perfect way to express his thoughts, which are quite similar to my own actually, and his writings always leave me longing for that kind of rugged perfection that never considered itself as having reached any kind of perfection yet. I want the kind of feeling elicited by being considered close to excellence by a broad audience just by doing what one enjoys doing without having to think about it a thousand times in terms of quality. I actually already have that "gift" (again, for lack of a better word) to some extent, as I had lain out earlier in this beast of a post, but not in the magnitude in which Hunter S. Thompson had it of course. Not even close, really. But well. I am still young and sure as hell do have quite a bit of ambition when it comes to developing my writing to the point mentioned above. I think I have de facto found my calling in life: Writing. I know I have approached that topic before, but it doesn't cease to amaze me: That my ramblings put into words fused into sentences might be of actual value to others. And that I might be able to get my foot in the door in the field of journalism, and of course that I have started writing a novel and will go on working on it so that I can release it in 2015 or 2016 or so. Perhaps earlier, perhaps later. But whatever I end up doing after my studies, it will definitely be something where writing will be my sole responsibility; I don't even want the big money in this aspect, I would just like to be able to write as much as I want to and/or can on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis, and actually collect a paycheck, however tiny it may be, for doing so. That's all I really want out of life actually: To be able to sustain myself and my lifestyle just by writing. To have an actual cash payment in my hands proving the quality of my writing to me. Because nobody is going to pay anything for bad writing, at least that's the assumption I am operating under until proven otherwise. Let's just hope it works. I mean you don't have to, it's not like I have any faith in any of your projects succeeding; I don't even know what any of you guys' plans for the future consist of, and, as harsh as that might sound I am very sure that for the most of you, I don't even want to know. But that was just rude, wasn't it? If anyone felt insulted by this, I am actually inclined to apologize this one time, because I have just been really unfair: I mean you're the people making this all worthwhile, without you my blog would be a ghost-town with only a single spirit floating around booing at itself. A sad sight. But my snide comment above was just a conclusion drawn from statistics. My readership is very roughly composed to fifty percent of Americans and to another fifty percent of Germans. Which it is quite definitely not in reality; but for the sake of this argument, it is. Anyway. We have one in four Americans suffering from insanity, and seeing as I don't trust things "Made in the US", let's make that two in four Americans suffering from a mental illness of sorts. On the other side of the big pool we have the Germans with one out of three people suffering from a psychic problem. That figure seems a tad too low too, so let's say every one and a half persons out of three suffer from a mental problem of sorts. I have about 40 regular readers, 20 US, 20 German. Let's do some math for the first and last time on here: 2/4 = 0.5 * 20 = 10; so ten of the twenty American readers are bat-shit crazy or at least close to it. And seeing as I have adjusted the numbers for Germany a bit, it boils down to the same: 1.5/3 = 0.5 * 20 = 10. Meaning that ten of my twenty German readers are insane as well. So with twenty out of forty people reading this theoretically needing to be locked away in an asylum for the mentally-ill, how can I show any serious interest in your future projects? I mean, put yourself in my position, and then think if you would have said anything even remotely similar to what I just said. I think you would be lying to yourself if you said no altogether; you may of course disagree with me on the things I am saying or even show me that the statistics I found are completely bogus, but you'd still have to admit that you would have acted similarly on a different level so to speak, had you been in my position. 

Wow. I am not even sure if there is any sense in the above paragraph. I hope so, because if I discover that there isn't any meaning whatsoever in these deranged ramblings from a brain gone rogue on speed and sleep-deprivation, I'll have to rewrite quite a lot of words, and then this post will be delayed even further, so I really hope that these words I am typing right now will be able to stay where they are and not be subject to eradication on the morning that is bound to follow; 'bound to follow' because that's the way life goes, you can call it Karma, Ying&Yang, or just refer to Cypress Hill's "What Goes Around Comes Around", which is essentially the concept of Karma put in Rap. Anyhow. There will always be a morning following a night, just like good will be done onto you if you hath done good onto others. Trust me, I am not trying to get all preachy on you here, but these concepts hold such a fundamental truth that I feel the need to urge each and every one of you reading this to try and implement it in your own lives. It's really as easily done as it is said for once. You just have to behave like a decent human being, and that's the way most others will behave towards you. I mean, there are always going to be a few assholes wherever you go but you should not make their behavior affect yours negatively, and rather have it do the opposite: Continue being polite to everyone, be even more so than usually, and think of aforementioned assholes when you want to do something that you know to be wrong/immoral/bad to do, and then remind yourself that you have no reason whatsoever to stoop to their level. Their level being the kind of cheap stupid thrill people seem to get out of violence and asshole-behavior nowadays; even more so than the ancient Romans used to actually. A level that most of the country, hell, the entire fucking world has been devolving towards. Which is unfortunate, really. So many potential readers lost in the works of a system that will grind them down to small conforming shells of their former personalities without any form of individual identity. And are then left with a feeling of great emptiness inside their chests whenever the TV-set is turned off and the world stops giving a shit about the things these parasitic clones brainwashed by oppressive governments wanting to do what the fuck they want without having to ask a congress or god forbid the citizens are actually made of, which basically amounts to nothing at all: Assholes looking for weaker assholes that they can get in a cocky arguments with that ultimately lead to fist-fights that are of no use to anyone but these guys' egos. And even these egos have no real use for the feeling of superiority achieved by winning a fight anymore, seeing as they have long ago been caved out by parental abuse and inferiority complexes. Either of the two actually, not necessarily both, and possibly something different altogether. All options are quite hard, but we all know that that's the way shit goes down in the real world: You work hard, you study hard, you take on usually unpaid internships, you learn about "real work" in a "real office", and finally you'll wind up being the doormat of some corporate plug that was born with a gold-plated diamond spoon in his filthy rich and spoiled mouth. And if you dare complaining about his utter lack of social skills and decent behavior, that will be the longest you have worked for that company. They [the corporations] don't like people that cause trouble, they don't want actual thinkers. Not even in the highest management levels anymore. The companies pay some experts to take care of all the things that managers used to take care of. And then the managers themselves are left with a few coordinating tasks that do not require any thought whatsoever: The retarded love-child of a donkey with down syndrome and an ape having literally shit instead of brains could do the jobs I have seen managers being appointed for these days. Which just proves my point: Most corporations are not looking for anyone that has the ability to think on their feet and/or be creative anymore, but rather for a clone, a robotic parody of a human being only designed to take and complete orders. Of course there are managers still in need of doing their job and being creative whilst doing so, but their numbers are rapidly receding. This indicates quite clearly that the cold business world that was never really my favorite place on the industrial checkerboard that is the economy has now completely ruined my faith in anything related to companies and corporations, meaning that I will definitely have to get some job in which I can really just stick to writing; I need the kind of job I had already indicated my affinity for earlier. I mean, I actually need it! I cannot go on for three years studying business if I can't live out my passion for writing in the meantime. 

Hah. I should probably have gone to writing/journalism/creative classes instead of opting for the safe choice of studying business first to have some sort of base that I can build my future career, in whatever field that may be on. But well, usually the safe bet is the best bet, so it might turn out as an advantage for me being safely enrolled in something that will lead to me having a diploma which is internationally recognized and enables me to find a decently paying job to make ends meet. At least that's the plan. I hope to seriously get into either my novel or journalism before that point in time arrives though, seeing as I'd already have an occupation then that could get me some sort of paycheck and that has the additional bonus of not revolving around me sitting at a fancy desk wearing a tight-ass suit that does not even leave enough room for the boys to hang, if you catch my drift. I just fucking hate dressing like a goddamned penguin with the sole purpose of looking socially acceptable to people I have nothing in common with whatsoever. What's the problem with a slightly sagged pair of jeans, a t- or khaki-shirt, and a good old pair of sneakers from Nike, AND1 or similar brands. Not Adidas though, I have for some inexplicable reason always disliked Adidas clothing, especially when compared to its Nike counter-parts. The cause for my disliking of Adidas is probably my predilection for Nike products that has been prevalent in me for almost a decade now without any reasons based on any logic whatsoever. The Nike-swoosh is just way cooler than the Adidas-stripes can ever hope to be. But that's just my opinion and completely irrelevant, as I feel pretty much everything I am going to type from hereon will be.

So I am putting a stop to this now gargantuan beast of a post that somehow turned out to be of almost 4600 words in length now already. I don't know how that happened to be honest. I sat down looking at about 700 words. What ensued then is what I remember as a myriad of scenes just flashing in front of my intensely exhausted eyes from the dreaded hours past; and after that I was staring at about 4200 words of text. I have no idea in hell how my exasperated and by now thoroughly used up body still awake from last night managed to actually compose such a long entry without having it turn to complete gibberish or completely detaching itself from a golden thread that might actually not even be existent here. But if it is, I have definitely not detached the rest of the text entirely from it albeit of course straying from the general path laid out by said thread a little bit every now and then. But well, given my still quite heavily altered state of mind I think that this might actually make for an interesting read, or maybe at least show you how morbidly weird thought patterns can get with a long enough lack of sleep and a large enough concentration of chemical stimulants in the blood-stream. It can be quite confusing to those having never partaken in any form of use of an "illegal" substance (I do not think that anyone has the right to label a substance that will only harm those who willingly take it as illegal, hence the quotes around that filthy word), but I trust that it offered you a direct albeit possibly bewildering insight into the frame of mind of someone under the influence of an essentially dirty and for some reason also magnetic stimulant (yep, you cannot use a credit card to dry and align Speed - it will fuck up the card's magnetic stripe and make it completely unusable). 

Anyway. I have already said before that no more good will come out of my continuous typing, and yet I went on to write a whole new paragraph filled with semi-usable info about the creation of this post and Speed. 
Well, I hope you have been entertained, shocked, insulted, excited, angered, amused, bewildered, or simply informed, or all, or none of the here-mentioned by this truly gigantic post. Whichever emotion it was, I am just glad to elicit any kind of feeling in audiences, seeing as that proves that I have reached these people in some way, to some extent. In this light, I'll leave you be, and as always, share some great music with you:

James Brown - It's a man's world 
-> Ah. James Brown. Great musician with a grand voice from somewhere out of space. And well, this is one of his most famous songs, but that's not the reason for its appearance here. Not even the message is the actual reason for it either. No, this song is here because I just watched "Smoking Aces 2" and it is featured in a scene there. And that somehow elicited a goose-bumpy feeling in my groin, which made me borderline anxious to put it up here. But regardless of the reason, this song is just fucking awesome, so... Enjoy!

Warren Zevon - Wanted Dead Or Alive 
-> Well, I've just recently discovered Warren Zevon and his music, but I have to say that I fiercely enjoy it and will therefore be posting a couple of his songs on here every now and then. And well, I really like "Californication"; I idolize Hunter S. Thompson; and I have always been fond of guitar-based music anyway, meaning that this song really speaks to me on a number of levels and therefore needed featuring on here, so... Enjoy!

Warren Zevon - Mr. Bad Example 
-> As I just said, I've grown to really enjoy this guy's music, and this song is just too grand for words... A self-designated asshole spouting filthy words to live by if being infamous is what you thrive for. And well, all in all this is just a great piece of classic American music, so... Enjoy!

Pegboard Nerds - Frainbreeze 
-> Well here we go again, the second time Pegboard Nerds are on here, and, hell, they deserve to be! Nice atmospheric intro that already hints at the ensuing awesomeness and is rounded up by a great drop that remains in a melodic, glitch-y kind of realm which I really enjoy! All in all a great song with some nice rhythm and melody combined using heavy drops infused into a three and a half minute long piece of greatness that is just, well, great, so... Enjoy!

Spag Heddy - Still Raggamuffin (feat. dESH) 
-> OH HELL FUCKING YES!! This is so fucking awesome I once again lack the words to describe it properly! I've featured Spag Heddy on here before I am sure, but I have not ever heard any genre-crossing by them yet, and I have to say that I am very impressed. To say the least actually. This is so fucking grand, I can't even begin to stop being insanely enthusiastic about it! Amazing vocals, crazy-ass drops, and an overall timeless piece of incredible music, so... Enjoy!

Nature One Inc - The Golden Twenty (Jerome's Official Anthem Mix) 
-> I WAS THERE! IT WAS SO FUCKING AWESOME! I do not have the words to describe how amazing it was to be there! I already attended last year, but this time we had planned everything out much better and were not as ill-prepared as we had been the year before, so it was even more enthralling than it was back then! And well, this is not the anthem I was looking for, but it's still up to par and manages to reflect the goose-bump-inducing awesomeness that is Nature One quite well, so... Enjoy!

Wu-Tang Clan - Gravel Pit
-> Such a great classic track, how could I have forgotten about posting it on here until now? I don't know. What I do know though is that this song is fucking awesome, the video is funny as hell, and well I love Wu-Tang anyway, so... Enjoy!

Snoop Dogg - Ain't No Fun (feat. Nate Dogg, Warren G, Kurupt) 
-> Tha Dogg Pound has always been making superior funk-influenced gangster rap, and this song is by no means an exception. Some of the best MCs of the time getting together on a funky-ass beat on one of the great classic rap albums of all time to create a great track that delivers the very essence of pimp prevalent in west-coast rap back in the day. Can't believe I hadn't put this up here before, it's one of my favorite songs ever come to think of it, so... Enjoy!

Busta Rhymes - Break Ya Neck 
-> Another one of these songs that I cannot believe haven't been put up on here yet. I mean, this is like THE classic Busta Rhymes track. And I have neglected it until today. That is sad actually. But anyway, this tune is so fucking awesome and raw; Busta is one of the ill-est MCs out there, and his former style which is still prevalent in this piece of musical genius was so grand, he really brought rap to another level, so... Enjoy!

Well, it took an eternity for this post to appear on the internet once again, and I have to apologize for this. I typed it in the middle of a speed-frenzied night and could not for the life of me remember half of what I wrote the next morning, so I wanted to re-read the whole thing before posting it. And I still had to add music to it as well, plus the entire process was halted by the Nature One festival for a couple of days, meaning that I was unable to finish it off until today. But it's done now. I am unsure about its quality and the depth of its content, but I think it is as always adequate. At least I hope that it is.
I just hope that this entry is enjoyable to you in spite of the many erratic and jumpy lines of thought barely having any actual logical adjacency present throughout the entire thing.


Peace!

The holidays

have brought with them a weird tingling feel inside of me - I am annoyed. By all those things summer actually: Sun, happiness, love, and all similarly mind-numbing happy-makers that us humans seem to so desperately depend on.
Yes, I am once again in my favorite state of being: alone, pissed off, and eager to vent in writing. So this will be a treat for you cynically-depressed maniacs out there. I cannot for the life of me figure out where this mood comes from though. I mean, I have been alone again for a while now; I haven't had any problems with other people, and am generally not feeling bad per se. So why is this annoyed anger amassing amongst my neuronal axons? I don't know to be honest. I simply don't. All I know is that I sifted through tons of trash and spam mail this morning and came across an old e-mail by my bitch of an ex-girlfriend from a few years ago. And well, this got me curious enough to see if she had still blocked me on Facebook, and well, she has. Which I find funny actually, seeing as she was the one who tore my heart to pieces back then, but somehow felt that I was the one that needing blocking out. 

Anyway. I am not here to rant about some lower life-form crawling around somewhere in the more disgusting parts of Germany. No, I am today going to address the grand topic of why summery weather is annoying as fuck. Don't get me wrong though, I like having it warm and lying down in the sun near a lake with a beer,  but still, the summer always brings along your typical, ever-grinning idiots that cannot seem to find a thing wrong with this fucked up world of ours. At least not when "the sun is shining, man". Fuckers all. It's a trend that has and probably always will be prevalent in some people, and it's always worst during summer. I have had it with those kind of humans always seeing the best in any situation, worsening my usual annoyance with their overly enthusiastic attitude about anything. I mean, I sound like a grumpy asshole right now, but in reality I just want to chill. It's not like I'm running around with a sour face all day and poisoning everyones' good mood. I just cannot stand the fact that people seem to think that things are always that much better in the summer. And I cannot stand the relentless and redundant notion of constantly perpetuating a status of this jolly but ultimately annoying overdrive-happiness that some people exude as soon as the temperatures outside start to rise even the slightest bit. It's just downright stupid if you ask me. I mean of course it's deeply rooted in our evolutionary make-up, seeing as sun means warmth and life, and stands for fertility and prosperity, so it is understandable that sunlight speaks to our primal instincts and therefore compels us to feel more enthusiastic and "alive". But still, aren't we at the top of the food chain because we managed not to succumb to these primitive urges but rather developed a consciousness and a rational mind to think abstractly about situations before entering a thoughtless frenzy of emotion-based dumbness? It seems to me that the same way rose-tainted glasses manage to alter my perception of things when socially intertwined in what is commonly referred to as a "relationship", sunny weather alters the perception of aforementioned people. I mean I can relate to being completely tangled in an emotional net of instinct-driven decisions, but at some point a stop needs to be put to the madness that is emotional thinking and logic needs to return as the prevalent influence on decisions. Without logic, we'd return to a state of dumb beasts, purely living for survival and reproduction. And if we get back to that point we might as well go back to living in the woods and sustaining ourselves by hunting. So please people, keep your emotions aside next time you decide to be happy and think about actual reasons to be besides it being warm outside, which for me simply does not count.

But well. Most people, as do I, do base a lot of everyday decisions on instinct and intuition. And that is not wrong. Per se. It is normal that we don't analyze every step we take, otherwise humanity would still be stuck in the dark ages simply due to the fact that development would have taken forever. But the problem I addressed above refers much more to those decisions and/or feelings that should be analyzed properly before being taken or felt, seeing as their impact is large enough to justify a slow but well thought through decision.

Okay, I am going to be honest with you guys: I have no idea where I'm going with this, and no clue how to go on. So I am not going to go on, and instead switch my focus to a different topic altogether: a lifestyle I have encountered during a sort of job interview I've had recently. I was meeting the guy I am now going to write articles for in a larger city close to the little town I live in, and he decided to take me with him to meet a few producers and artists he works with in order to write a trial article which would be the base for his appraisal of my writing and therefore also for his decision whether to hire me or not. And well, we ended up in an alternative kind of living community, where artists work, live, drink and smoke together. An enthralling experience to say the least. These people represent for me the kind of life I have always been keen on: the life of a drifter, only marginal responsibilities but full dedication to their art and their peers, a harmonious togetherness outside of mainstream society but not entirely cut-off either. They're doing what I've always been preaching: "living without, but working within". All of them have small jobs to pay the bills and make ends meet, but ultimately their life revolves around their passion that is music. I want that. Exactly that. Which is why I am so glad I got the job as a columnist for the guy, seeing as I have now direct access to these people and can get my foot in the door of journalism, meaning that I am one step closer to being able to lead a similar life: focusing on writing and maybe even making music whilst not being held down in the grudges and dogmas of regular society. The feeling elicited by this vibrant community of like-minded people was as gargantuan in deepness as it was in exhilaration. I finally got to see the kind of life and dedication to a passion I had thought lost in this day and age. I cannot stress how fucking authentic these guys were, how damn cool and relaxed their view of the world was, and how they had very similar views on issues I find important. I mean, this is exactly what I have been striving for, it's quite liberating to know that the possibility of leading such a life is very real and not that far out of reach for me anymore. Plus I now have the opportunity to prove myself in the journalistic field to some extent, which makes me really anxious to finally get to writing the next article. These articles I am writing are by the way almost exclusively going to be coverages of parties this guys' organization throws, and all my expenses will be covered, which is nice. But I am actually just happy to get my name out there. That can of course, as most things in life be traced back to the most basic of human needs asides from shelter and food: the need for recognition. I know that, you know that, everyone does. Understandable enough though, isn't it? As I had already ascertained in an earlier post, we all strive for immortality of sorts. And getting a step closer to being able to work as a journalist/columnist, and thereby having hundreds, if not thousands of people read my words, however mundane and formal they may be in the case of my new job (I was told to keep things formal and clean, at least in the articles that is), and that alone already brings me a bit closer to being unforgettable and rooted in peoples' minds for eternity. I like to think that at least my writing will be able to live on when my body slowly crumbles under the sum of accidents and intoxicants that should long ago have killed me; and if that is actually the case at any point in my life, I will gladly embrace death with a laughter that will echo in history. But enough of that. If I talk about this fascinating idea too much it'll become mundane and I risk sounding self-absorbed, which is something I am not and therefore want to avoid coming across as. 
The point I want to make in all this is actually just that I feel like I've finally crossed the first of probably many bridges on my way to establishing myself as an actual wordsmith and journalist of sorts, and it just feels good. Plus I've gotten a look at the life of those that have music as a main priority in their being; I have gotten a look at real-life examples of the lifestyle I have always striven to live myself. And I also have the feeling that the crossing of aforementioned bridge also has the potential to bring me closer to that kind of existence, making the whole thing even more exciting and enthralling for me.

And that's actually about it. This post turned out to start as depressive, then a sudden cut followed by positivity. And I have to apologize for the inelegance of said switch in topic, but I could not for the life of me figure out how to go on after the first couple of paragraphs, so I decided to be honest about that, cut the golden thread and start anew on something taken directly out of my personal life. Anyway. I do hope that this was enjoyable to you nevertheless, and I am almost on deadline by the way. Well, nothing further need be said, except that I'll leave you, as always, with some good music:

RacknRuin - Dazed & Confused (SKisM's Baroque Out Remix)
-> This melody is so fucking awesome, I can't even begin to describe it, and combined with the heavy fucking drop and the quite well done rap, plus the female vocals, all infused into two and a half minute of awesomeness... Grand track, great artists, amazing music; those were the good days for UKF Dubstep, and Dubstep generally, so... Enjoy!

The Agitator - Say No (Cutline Remix)
-> Asides from having awesome political, anti-oppression lyrics, this song further is fucking amazing musically, with an unexpectedly executed but nevertheless gargantuan drop and an overall nice melodic make-up that reminds me of the earlier Dubstep realeases, so... Enjoy!

Kendrick Lamar feat. Mc Eiht - m.A.A.d City
-> After having put it off for an eternity because I don't believe in the newest rap releases, I finally got around to listening to Kendrick Lamar's "Good Kid, m.A.A.d City" and I can't say that I regret doing so. This guy's actually bringing Compton back on the map, and doing so quite awesomely. Plus he's featuring Mc Eiht who's pretty well-known from his work with "Compton's Most Wanted" back in the NWA-days, which is pretty huge. And Kendrick is not one of your "hoes, money, weed" kind of guys, he actually has substance in his lyrics, so... Enjoy!

Method Man & Redman - Y.O.U 
-> "That's my story, and I'm sticking to it" - Red&Meth together are just funny as hell and awesomely talented MCs, I have always loved all of their work, be it solo or together, and well this song is no exception. The only problem with this is that VEVO needed to censor it of course, but well, now you know which song I mean and can procure an uncensored version somewhere else, so... Enjoy!

Curse feat. Gentleman - Widerstand 
-> Gentleman are a German reggae group that you might have heard of seeing as they're somewhat internationally acclaimed, and Curse is one of the best German lyricists, with deep texts and awesome messages, the one in this song being love, harmony, and standing up to a corrupt and depraved system. All in all this is a great and really chill song, so... Enjoy!

Warren Zevon - The Hula Hula Boys 
-> Guess how I got the idea to feature this song? Exactly! "The curse of Lono", a great book written by my favorite author, Hunter S. Thompson. He mentioned it in there, and I've just had to Google it, and I was not disappointed. Cool song with a funny story in it, and well "I didn't come to Maui to be treated like a jerk", so... Enjoy!

So, this is it for now. And I know I'm somewhat past my deadline once again, which this time was not because I didn't get time to write, but rather because I took an eternity to choose the songs I would feature. I don't know why it took me as much time as it did, but I am definitely pleased with the outcome and I hope you are as well, I've got a pretty awesome selection above I think. And well, this post was somewhat weirder than my previous ones, but "when the going gets weird, the weird turn pro" (HST), so I am confident that this entry is worth of being on here. I hope you feel the same and that I did not bore you to death. And if I did, please be so kind as to make your demise noticeable so that you don't stink up your apartment building; rotten corpses smell really intensely bad. 


Peace!

The demise of the wicked

is always accompanied by some grand victory of those deemed decent by society, isn't it? When Bin Laden died, Obama was jolted into a mainstream hype around his persona. When the Allies finally got rid of Nazi-Germany they were (rightly) put up on a golden pedestal as well. And in most cases, that is fully justifiable. But we also need to examine these kind of developments from another perspective. Perhaps these "wicked" common enemies are only made out to be that by those that want society to deem them as heroes of decency so to say. Which would mean that those we perceive as wicked are actually just punching bags of goodie two-shoes gone mad. Of course, I do not want to imply that the above examples of Nazis and Bin Laden are only scapegoats or anything like that. In their case, it was actually just them being assholes that needed stopping by people with some sort of decency. But in a more general context, we can see far too often that people talk smack about others in order to make themselves seem better to their audience. A sign of sad humans with diminutive self-esteem. But alas, these are the persons in charge nowadays. Insecure and hollow shells of human beings.

I don't want to rant on and on about politicians again though. I think I have stumbled upon another context in which the above glorification can be applied, namely that of relationships, or rather that of break-ups. When a split occurs, and two formerly intertwined individuals decide to part again, one of the two parties will always try and make the other party seem like a wicked being that is solely responsible for things not working out between them. Such behavior clearly leads to one thing and one thing only: "neutral" members of the audience (friends' friends, not-so-close relatives, etc.) will be led to believe that the party dragging the other one down is in reality the victim of the vicious break-up. It makes the person being talked smack about seem like a shallow caricature of a human being. And that is just sad to say the least. Happenings as dire as a break-up usually put a lot of strain on both former partners, and it is usually a combination of bother partners' misbehavior and annoyance that brings the coupling to its final destination. 
So, what do we have here? Two people, both equally responsible for their drifting apart. And one of them trying to make it seem like the other is more so by talking shit. At least that's what it seems like if you look at broken-up couples around you, isn't it? I mean, it's probably equally as likely that that behavior stems from trying to cope with the new situation somehow. The new situation being that the one person you trusted completely, the most intimate connection you had in your life, all of sudden turning into a complete stranger. Our primitive brains cannot handle that kind of drastic change, so it is left with a few options at best; one of these is the aforementioned smack-talking about the former partner. I guess the underlying concept at work there is the basic human need for recognition once again. If we were to blame ourselves, our social surroundings would look down upon and judge us for our inability to keep the relationship functioning; if we delegate that blame to our former special someone though, we're perceived as mere victims of circumstance and therefore receive attention en masse, thereby satisfying aforementioned need. But that's not the main point I am trying to make here. What that is is essentially that people need to refrain from talking bullshit about others. I don't even have any specific example in mind right now, it's just a general thing that I've noticed that definitely needs to stop.

But well, that's about all that I have to say about that actually. I am sitting in front of my TV set right now, dumbly staring at commercials and wondering who the fuck falls for these blunt and downright stupid marketing tricks at work there? I mean there are TV spots advertising a fucking smartphone by having some ladies in a swimsuit do "yoga" to some fucked up music. They're barely even showing the phone for fuck's sake. I cannot believe that that appeals to people so much that it's run on national television. I mean there are of course some creative and actually funny ads out there that I have genuinely enjoyed, aside from the fact that they're still designed to push some BS product on to me of course, but those are the exception rather than the rule. But I can complain about it all I want, my studies are going to land me in a job where I'll be part of the people benefiting from this kind of blatant exploitation of basic human desires. I mean, some of these promotional tools are downright manipulative. Of course there are laws restraining the deceptiveness that advertisements are allowed to exude, but still, labile people are being conned into buying things they don't really need, and that's just unfair. Sure, if you're dumb enough to actually buy into these advertisement schemes it's essentially your own fault because their methods are so fucking obvious it hurts, but still, shouldn't companies have some sort of responsibility towards those mentally unable to recognize these subtle influential messages in the ads? I guess not, seeing as if they had that kind of responsibility their sales would probably drop significantly due to the fact that they rely on those gullible enough to be persuaded by the firms' marketing wizards. A sad truth, isn't it? The entire economical system is built up on the exploitation of others it seems. Cheap labor, bad quality products, deluding advertisement, and so on. But unfortunately the system has worked so far, and you don't change a working system. Until it collapses and you're forced to. Although even that's not the case with our economy: we've had tons of economic recessions and depressions causing huge problems on a global scale, and we did not even adapt the system to meet the root of these problems. Or barely did so at best. And isn't that just sad to see? We're too stupid to learn from our mistakes, and we haven proven to be over and over again.

I am somehow reminded of words from the "Matrix" movie: "You [Humans] move to an area and you multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed and the only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You're a plague [...]"
Just let these words sink in for a minute, wait until they develop their full effects like a good hit of ecstasy. Only that it's going to be a bad trip. Because once you think about it you see just how much fucking truth that statement holds. I mean, you know me. I'm not your hippie, eco- and nature-loving wuss that thinks we need to harmonize with the environment by hugging trees and eating some disgusting vegan stew all day long. But still. We're fucking up the only place to live pretty harshly, and despite having the technology necessary to change our ways in a fashion that would not alter our everyday life a lot, greedy corporate plugs called "politicians" are hanging on to the old and destructive methods because they are more profitable. Fucked up, isn't it? Maybe some sort of Armageddon might help. Maybe we need to be almost wiped off the face of the earth to start caring about things. Or maybe we'll just go on and on until we have the technology to conquer a new planet and leave Earth as a disgusting, hollow shell only inhabited by monstrous radioactively-poisoned beings barely resembling the humans they once were. Or we'll all just fucking perish. Which would probably be best for the planet anyway. But fuck all that, when that shit goes down I'll probably be long buried and forgotten about anyways. Not that I wouldn't encourage environmental-friendly actions by the governments. But I'm not willing to make a huge effort in my everyday life simply because of the fact that the world leaders could make most of their economies completely eco-friendly by ignoring the pleas of the companies that are funding their campaigns. And seeing as they're not willing to show a tiny bit of incentive and backbone and stand up to their corporate puppeteers, I'm not willing to recycle or shit like that. All trash is burned anyway, so why the fuck should I have to use separate trashcans? Okay, I can understand it for like glass and paper, but everything else is burned together anyways, so why the fuck can't I just throw my fucking garbage in a single fucking bag?

I got somewhat off topic there. From politicians to trashcans. Well that's actually not that far off-topic is it? Politicians are essentially human trashcans, so that works quite nicely.
But I am just putting together ramblings about other ramblings of myself again, so I'll put a stop to this post now.

I took some time to finish this things once again, but I was kind of busy with Green Scorpion News, which is a blog dedicated to news coverage that I have started a couple of days ago. And well, finding time to write is kind of hard during holidays, seeing as I am constantly overwhelmed by people wanting to go somewhere and do something, and I am just too nice a person to say no to every single one of them, so I end up being pretty busy all day anyway.
But well, I hope I managed to entertain you with this post and also hope that you will enjoy GSN, where I will be posting in random intervals.
And with this, and some good music, I'll leave you be: 

Diam's - Ma France à moi
-> This is a song I really enjoyed during my time in France obviously, but also afterwards, and now decided to share with you after "rediscovering" it this morning whilst cleaning dishes. Well, Diam's is a talented French artist, and this song is really critical of French society and politics, and as you know I enjoy that kind of message in music. Plus, she's also musically awesome, and I enjoy her rapping in general, so... Enjoy!

Wiz Khalifa & Snoop Dogg - Smokin' On (feat. Juicy J) 
-> Well, I am not really familiar with Juicy J and his works, but apart from being part of this new wave in Hip Hop that I am somewhat suspicious about I cannot see much wrong with him, and this song is all in all a great weed smoking tune by two of my favorite weed smokers ever. I am not sure if I had posted this on here before, but I don't think so. If I did, please let me know, otherwise... Enjoy!

Space Laces - Digital Gangsta 
-> I have, as always, looked on the UKF Dubstep channel for their newest uploads, and stumbled upon this gem. It takes a while to get to the drop, but it is definitely worth the wait. I mean I've heard a similar things before, but like a minute after the first drop the bass gets extremely interesting, and all in all the song is pretty fucking awesome and has a certain energy within that is just stupefying, so... Enjoy!

Feed Me - One Click Headshot 
-> Awesome! Simply fucking awesome! This popped up in the recommendations section of the above video, and following this link was the best thing I could possibly do, because it led me to this bit of pure filthy awesomeness, much more violent and energy-laden than most songs I've heard in the past couple of weeks, and it has a great melodic aspect too, making this tune an overall amazing piece of music, which needed featuring on here, so... Enjoy!

Iron Maiden - Hallowed Be Thy Name 
-> Amazing track by a classic band, I cannot believe I haven't featured this epic piece of musical greatness on here yet; it's such an amazing mixture of heavenly guitar-play, fiery vocals, and awesome rhythm made possible by bass and drums. All in all an epic slice of musical perfection that needed to be brought to your attention (again hopefully), so... Enjoy!

Hunter S. Thompson & Ralph Steadman - Weird And Twisted Nights 
-> I couldn't believe it at first, but it's actually true: Hunter S. Thompson made a song with British artist Ralph Steadman. I believe it's Steadman singing and Hunter playing. And well, the song is pretty fucking awesome, especially when mixed with stimulating intoxicants. And well, I idolize Thompson anyway, and am still baffled by this discovery, meaning that I will now play this song on repeat for a couple of days. Anyway. Amazing song, legendary artists... Enjoy!

Well, this post kind of jumped between topics rather shallowly, but I was as mentioned earlier quite busy with Green Scorpion News and real life. But well, I do hope that this belated entry was still enjoyable to you, and I do think I touched on some important issues I hadn't talked about so far, meaning that the essential purpose of the blog, namely to inform, educate, and serving as an eye-opener to people, has still been accomplished. So, as always, I hope that you're now thinking or rethinking things, and/or that your eyes were opened by some of the things mentioned.

And I will really, really try to post more regularly from now on. Really!


Peace!

Food For Thought #5

“...most men and women will grow up to love their servitude and will never dream of revolution.”            - Aldous Huxley, Brave New World

Well, I am once again in doubt about anything related to social intertwining, and in delay in regard to my own personal deadline, but no-one is really buying that I am actually trying to stick to that anymore, are they?
I mean, I can have as many good reasons as I want to, the fact of the matter remains that I have not stuck to a deadline since like, forever. Except in the first few weeks when I posted almost daily. But well, I'm lazy. And busy. Bad combination to begin with, but try cramming a blog into that. Still I feel that I have a certain obligation to post at least close to my deadline on here, seeing as I have by now established somewhat of a readership I hope, and I am not one to disappoint. So, here I am again, typing on my broken laptop abusing the WiFi of my favorite Coffee-shop. But whatever. You've heard that a thousand times by now. Not anymore in the near future though, seeing as my internet at home has finally been installed and I am now able to procrastinate even more using the convenient method of online streaming. What a wonderful world. I will probably have some government henchman knocking at my door soon enough to get his hands on all the filthy copyright infringements I have stacked up in my time. Fuck that though, it's not like he'd actually find anything of relevance. Or even of enough illegality to sue me. At least not digitally that is. 

Hah. I should quit this line of thought, the internet is crawling with parasitic law enforcement trying to grab whatever tiny piece of supposedly illegal activities their dirty little paws can reach. And I am no mood to have these assholes on my back. And well, there's a little something called "Freedom of speech" and an additional bonus of "artistic liberties" I can take. So fuck you very much, whatever government control-freak is reading this.
Anyway. My mind is drifting between topics, and I cannot for the life of me decide which one to pick for today's Food For Thought segment. Which is by the way something I haven't done in quite a while compared to the regularity in which the last four of these posts appeared, so I decided to have a go at it once again. I actually had a topic in mind when I started typing, but I am unsure now that I've typed a couple of words. My uncertainty regarding my choice of a topic stems from the variety of themes that are offered to me by my surroundings on a daily basis. I'm at times literally so overwhelmed with bullshit that I cannot even decide what to rant about here. Asides from the crazy shit that's going on in Europe whilst the masses are so focused on the world cup that they're barely noticing it. Russia is stopping its delivery of gas to the Ukraine, but that news is drowning in a tsunami of world cup frenzy that has taken hold of every major news station in the country it appears. But well, that's their problem. It is possible to stay informed and those who fail to do so can put the blame entirely on themselves. Not that this tangent has anything to do with the actual topic, I am just filling the time I need to come up with just that. And it's working. To some extent.

I think I will discuss the frightening way in which we're slowly moving towards total governmental control of the masses. Which is not a new topic by any means, I've gone down at least parts of that road in earlier posts, but what's been going on lately on this piece-of-shit of a planet is really angst-inducing to say the least. I mean, we've had the NSA-scandal. But has that really spawned any actual laws restricting this institution or have any actual punishments been laid on those responsible for invading every single fucking citizens privacy? Nope. And it goes on. Snowden is up for prosecution by the U.S.-government whose very foundation he was trying to preserve by exposing the fucked up spying methods of these primates with way too much power in their paw-like hands; the NSA has secret surveillance bunkers in Central Europe; and the German constitutional court has been working together with these spies in order to gather private data on German politicians and the German people themselves. And as if that was not bad enough, that very same court has declared that it is of "vital importance" to further develop methods to listen in on any kind of electronic communication because the internet is considered an "uncontrollable hub of political extremeism" and so-called "cyber-terrorism". These fears obviously rightly justify the invasion of millions of peoples' privacy. Right. 
But it doesn't stop at that. The NSA has been working on a quantum-based PC that will allegedly be able to crack any kind of encryption. So as soon as this project is completed, you can encrypt and secure your messages and data as much as you want - the US will be able to crack the code and read your mail - even if you're just writing your Aunt that her cupcakes were "the bomb". Oh and that Facebook etc. are using user data quite liberally is no secret or surprise to anyone anymore. We're essentially constantly being monitored and watched. This is Big Brother on a global scale. Or much rather, it is the slow realization of what Orwell's 1984 had predicted a long time ago. We've reached 1984. We're already past it actually. Not only is our physical motion being tracked, our thoughts and beliefs are also checked against a government-issue blueprint and if you don't fit, you're disposed of. "Fixed" or "rehabilitated" as they like to call it. But it's actually a systematic disposal and/or brainwashing of those opposed to the state of total submission to the government that those in power are striving to achieve within the population. Doesn't this sound familiar? Total acceptance of the system of those in power, only selective access to information, and government-standardized conformity? Sounds like a bad mixture of 1984 and Huxley's Brave New World. And indeed, it also sounds familiar because I've approached this, or an at least similar aspect ultimately resulting in this topic in earlier posts. But apparently just writing about it doesn't help. The people in power will constantly change, but in the end it all comes down to the same exact mess that is being laid upon us by some corporate puppets. And the puppeteers are the same as always, the usual suspects: huge-ass industries, banks, and oil-sheiks. They're the ones controlling the worlds most important resources, they're funding the worlds governments, and they're therefore also controlling them. This is not some lunatic bullshit like the Illuminati-fad that has swept the nation after the Dan Brown novels were released, but much rather just a careful conclusion made from a few years of watching, listening, and reading. If you have half a brain and a semi-functional mind you'll be able to piece it together yourself. Most politicians are actually part of supervisory or administrative boards of major industrial and financial players, so their decisions are obviously biased towards what's favorable for aforementioned firms. And that alone should be fucking illegal if you ask me. But well, as always, money will prevail. And prevailed it has. Iraq/Contra; Iraq/Syria; Osama Bin Ladens weapons; Richard Nixon; all fraudulent, dangerous, and/or criminal activities that all only happened because of money's evil fucking influence on peoples' minds, behaviors, and decisions. And the list goes on and on, I am just citing some examples that have recently caught my attention, most of them in the works of Hunter S. Thompson. 
But what do we conclude from this mess that the world's offering us? How do we go on knowing that some control-hungry motherfucker is constantly watching our moves, evaluating our thoughts? Well. Personally I have always found solace in the fact that albeit being able to monitor my thoughts, they still lack the ability to actually control them. They might be able to direct them by printing falsified news stories etc., but if your frontal lobe capacity exceeds that of a common single-cell organism you'll be able to find out what's actually going on by doing just a little bit of research. And well, if your privacy is important to you, you know the obvious steps: don't log into Facebook when you're on the move, turn off your GPS and mobile networks, and simply don't use any form of internet-based communication when you're doing something you don't want people finding out about. Further, encrypt your data as long as it still makes sense to do so, and delete metadata of pictures that you don't want to be traced back to the place of their taking.
But I am not here to lecture you on online safety. You should know these things yourself. And this tangent seems somewhat off-topic in retrospect anyway.
No, the actual conclusion, besides finding solace in the fact that you're still in charge of your own thoughts, are that we need to defy the fucking system that creates this somber 1984 control we're being subjected to. How the fuck can governments be claiming to be acting in the interest of their people when they're the only ones their people need to be afraid of nowadays? I mean, let's look at my favorite example: the prohibition of psychoactive substances. Drug users need not fear the possible side-effects of the recreational enhancement they're taking part in, but only the repressive governmental organs trying to put them into a confined space with rapists, murderers, and all other kinds of sick fucked-up people. If the government truly cared about the people, they'd legalize and regulate those substances, and put more effort into preventative actions. But no, that would be "immoral". Funny, that the people making the most depraved and morally-bankrupt decisions on this planet are the ones telling us we can't smoke a joint because it is morally wrong? What the fuck? Politicians are willingly deceiving us for money and power, are engaging in war with countries that did not call for it purely out of monetary and influential reasons, and then have the fucking nerve to call drug users criminals? For fuck's sake, in what kind of a fucked-up nightmare are we living anyway? I mean I understand the basic human need for happiness. And as long as the human is kept in blissful ignorance, an emotional state resembling just that is achieved. Add the exploitation of the natural fear for hunger and loss of shelter to that, and you've got the explanation for peoples' blind acceptance of their leaders' fascist methods. We don't want the truth, because we like our comfort zone to remain just that. Comfortable, cozy, and not disturbed by any nuisances such as a fight for freedom. We've got what we need: Food, shelter, entertainment. Why ask for more? Why bother trying to be actually free when just serving the mans will is much easier? Well. If you really need me to answer these questions for you, the system has already won and you're hopelessly caught in the grip of their manipulative, controlling network. Still, there's need for a general wake-up call when it comes to our society. Because the dystopian realms of V For Vendetta, Brave New World, and 1984 are slowly moving into a sphere that is getting too close to reality for my taste. We are already slaves to an economic wheel that grinds us down to ever-competing clones, we are slaves to our watches, and helpless in the face of industrial giants controlling the government that we're supposed to be in charge of. So why is nothing happening? What final spark is needed to set off the ticking time bomb that we're supposed to be? "The people shouldn't be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people" as fictional character V so nicely put it. And that statement holds so much truth that has just been lost in our days. We are supposed to be the ones electing and controlling the politicians, they're supposed to be acting at our bidding, and not the other way round. But we can elect whoever the fuck we want nowadays, they'll still move the political landscape in the same direction. And this powerlessness only stems from an overall apathy that has taken hold of mankind. We're not empowered individuals. We're fucking clones working in a mechanical system serving a purpose whose existence we're not even aware of. So please, somebody, anybody just wake me up and tell me I've fallen asleep whilst watching a dystopian movie of sorts. And although I know that that's not going to happen, and that some major shit will have to go down before anything changes, I also realize that I cannot offer a feasible solution to any of these issues. I am after all just some guy in some apartment typing words on a broken laptop, watching Lucky Number Slevin on national TV. A nice movie by the way. But of no concern for this topic...

Anyway. The essential message I am trying to convey here is that we're moving closer and closer to being completely controlled and supervised by governments gone rogue. And that we'll need some sort of major happening before any of that changes. Not meaning that I want you to start attacking government officials and buildings, but rather something like forming a party and working the system to destroy or at least properly reform it from the inside-out. Or at least do something for Fuck's sake!

But it's getting late, and I am getting tired. Plus I am once again not really feeling... well per se. Which is due to some recent turmoil that has once again been throwing me off track lately. Yes, as mentioned in the very first sentences, social intertwining is turning ugly on me once again. Or at least I think so, I am actually simply baffled by some of the things I have been exposed to lately, starting with being ignored leading to being barely contacted then to myself ignoring which did not affect the other party in the least bit. And now everything seems to have reset itself, and all is supposedly right again. Or is it? Am I just mindlessly perpetuating a status quo because I feel that that is the way it should be? Or am I actual still part in a viable symbiosis that enriches both parts within it? And that that is something I actually have to ask myself pretty much says it all, doesn't it? Although I cannot for the life of me imagine that that's the case. I don't want this ship to sink again in order to restart at haven once again like it has a couple of times now already. On the other hand I don't want it to crash and go down forever like the Titanic did either. So I find myself, as usually, at an impasse. Too fucking bad. I am just going to go on and see where this path leads me, I am too exhausted emotionally to keep digging into what I believe to be seeing in this context. If shit happens, I'll notice when it does, no need to have an inner shit-alarm going off at the slightest of farts, to keep that metaphor alive. So I am once again choosing the path of least resistance, like electricity would. Trust me though, in this intertwining this is the best way to go. Things tend to sort themselves out, and albeit knowing this to be untrue in most aspects of life, in this particular case it most definitely is. 
So, I am just going to wait for the banshees to cry for my relationship, and if there's enjoyable time left until that I am looking forward to it, and if not, well, that's just life. As fucking cliche as that fucking phrase is.

But fuck all that. My vocabulary is starting to recede to only swearwords, my eyes are getting heavy, and my thoughts are starting to slowly drift off into a comfortable lull of nothingness... So I hope I managed to open some eyes with this Food For Thought, which I know slightly differed in style when compared to the others. But I kept to the normal underlying concept that has always been present in these entries. And well, I hope I approached these topics, well-known from earlier entries, in an angle that was different enough as to not bore but rather entertain and educate you.

“If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face—for ever.” - George Orwell, 1984

So, this concludes this Food For Thought which was not overly long but of adequate length I suppose. As expressed above I hope I was still able to entertain you and appeal to your reading aesthetics.
And as always, I'll leave you with some good music: 

Bob Dylan - The Time They Are A Changin' 
-> I chose this version on YouTube for a reason. Because asides from simply being a really cool and nicely melodic song, it also holds some great truths that are also being conveyed in the movie Watchmen which was based on a comic by Alan Moore, the same guy who brought us the original comic for V For Vendetta. And the movies made from these comics are almost equally political and controversial, meaning that if you haven't seen or read either of them, go do so now, and... Enjoy!

Norman Greenbaum - Spirit In The Sky 
-> Well, this gem right here was played at Hunter S. Thompson's funeral, which is pretty damn awesome to say the least. And besides that, the song in itself is really awesome, makes me feel like riding a motorcycle at high speed whilst high on speed down some lonely-ass motorway in the American countryside... Never done that before, but that feels like the kind of song to do it to, so... Enjoy!

Snoop Dogg & Wiz Khalifa - Young, Wild & Free 
-> Blablabla, mainstream, too often heard, blablablabla, save it! This right here is the first Weed song that has been nominated for a fucking Grammy award. And that is a huge fucking accomplishment if you ask me. Besides from that, I frigging love Snoop, and also enjoy Wiz Khalifa's work, so this by now classic tune needed featuring on here, and well the timeless carpe diem message it delivers obviously speaks to me, so... Enjoy!

Jay-Z - 99 Problems 
-> If you're reading from Germany, this song (like some others in previous posts) will not be accessible to you due to some fucked up people with no life working for a bloodsucking parasite called "GEMA". Well, fuck them I say. "unblockyoutube.ws" (Have Adblock installed before accessing this page!!). And you're good to go. Besides that, I cannot believe I have not had this song on here before, and well - it's a classic tune full of humorous lines, with a political nudge here and there, and an awesome catchy pre-hook line: "I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one!"... Enjoy!

Secoya - Run 
-> "Old but gold" seems to be UKF's policy for its latest uploads, but I like it! Epically vocalized track with awesome drops and nice melodic goodness in it! I love this synthesized voice combining with electronic melodies leading to drops of epic proportions, and UKF is a constant source of just that! Awesome upload by them, great artist, great track, great everything basically! Just an awesome tune, so... Enjoy!

Eptic - Space Cats
-> Once again UKF does not fail to fucking amaze me! This song is so fucking filthy and awesome, I can barely find the words to describe it. An interesting melody, coupled with a hard-hitting bass that is playing Frisbee with the remains of my burned-off ears... Just grand, grand music, from a great artist, uploaded by the greatest channel for Dubstep music on the web! I am getting this tingling sensation in my stomach when I listen to this, which means that I am going to listen to this so much that I can't stand hearing it anymore... Enjoy!

Well, this turned out to be rather jumpy, erratic and shallow for a Food For Thought segment, but well I do hope it still holds some value for you and did not bore you to death. I am just happy I managed to finish this thing now, and would once again like to extend my apologies to you guys for taking eleven days to actually post again... But well, seeing as my internet at home is back up, I might get around to posting more regularly in the near future! 
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this FFT and are a little smarter because of it, or were at least enticed to rethink a couple of things, you know the deal...


Peace!

I could essentially

start this post with the same exact title as the previous one. "Why, oh why". But this time it would go on with something like "can I not keep myself from my own emotions?". Which is something I am really asking myself lately. Bear my last post in mind. Social intertwining is ultimately doomed and therefore engaging in such can be considered stupid, mad even. That was the conclusion; the end of all hope. 

“Can’t repeat the past?…Why of course you can!” 

                  - F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

And now fate, or whatever, has decided to jolt my transfixed bad mood upwards, and give me back what sucked the life clean out of me whilst it was gone. Ironically enough, this has, as the avid reader may have noticed, happened twice already, which had proven my long ago reached conclusion about the senselessness of such intertwining completely. But I can not for the life of me escape those sweet endorphins that dead-bolt rose-tainted glasses onto my eyes. Isn't it ironic that I had forsaken these very emotions already, dismissing them as idle brain-farts always leading to the same painful end? And aren't they? I mean, I should probably quote Mrs. Rita Mae Brown before going any further: "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.". Which is exactly what's happening here, or am I wrong? The ultimate doom I was mentioning has not disappeared, but simply drifted out of focus due to aforementioned endorphin-highs that are more addicting than the most potent crack/heroin mixture any drug-peddling half-mad chemist in some Czech laboratory could come up with. But I'm getting off-topic here. 
What I was discussing was the essential underlying insanity in the action of just trying to jump into the same old relationship Phoenix-style. I am not saying it is a bad thing per se, quite the contrary actually. My feelings towards it are as magnificent as one might imagine them being after the past two weeks of feeling like shit. Still I cannot shake off that lingering voice in the back of my head that is screaming "Dysfunctional! Insane! Just plain damn weird!". But then again, "when the going gets weird, the weird turn pro" (HST), so maybe that's what we're doing? Just taking all the weirdness surrounding us and bringing it to a whole new level? I like to think so actually. Who needs the conforming, normal people acting like they should, even or especially when socially intertwined by the four-letter word that means everything and nothing? I am and always have been a fan of more radical approaches to mundane things anyway, so why bother trying to act as others do in that aspect? So I am, as you could have expected not going to do that. 
But I avoided the question that has been present ever since I introduced my mood swing that has happened because I engaged in a symbiosis that I had doomed and damned just a week ago. This question is if I was wrong with my ranting about the ultimate doom that faces each and every coupling. Unfortunately, no. That remains an omnipresent reality of life. But I may have been wrong about the utter senselessness of engaging in such intertwining. Because despite all evidence to the contrary that presented its ugly face once that uplifting relieving of lonliness was gone, I am happy once again, which is something almost two decades of living have taught me to cherish as long as it lasts - however long that may be. And seeing as aforementioned togetherness increases such moments considerably,the down that eventually comes might actually be worth the up that precedes it. 

"Buy the ticket, take the ride!" as my favorite author would say. And I've bought the ticket a few months ago and the ride is apparently far from over albeit having stopped for an unbearable while. So, I'll ride this ride until the bitter-sweet end that I've discussed in the last post. Which is a beautiful feeling actually. Fuck, I'm alive and I'm fucking loving it! I can not say how long this euphoria will last but as long as it remains I will enjoy it.

Anyway. I have to say that vis-à-vis the shit that's going down in the world, my happiness might be misplaced. But fuck the world. As you know I've long ago established that this entire imaginary construct we call society will collapse under its own dumb mass of braindead parasites. They will drown in the foam of their own filth, sex, and murder, to loosely quote Rorschach from "Watchmen". Mind the "loosely" though, I was too lazy to actually google the exact wording. I have not ever wanted any part in the depraved obscenities that are generally accepted as "social behavior" nowadays, which is also the reason for my general incompatibility when it comes to relationships. But if we take the element of the expected norms out of it and elevate the weird to a professional level... Well, at that point the whole picture changes, and being incompatible in the regular and socially-accepted way is no longer of any importance. Which is hopefully a status that I can fully achieve rather soon. I'm on my way but not quite there yet I feel, which also explains the fall-outs mentioned earlier. But enough of that. The essence of what I am trying to convey here is that if opting out of any social conformity is what you're aiming for, there's no reason why there shouldn't be a special somebody joining you in just that. That is what I actually realized due to this on-off thing that's been going on in my life for a few months now. Whether or not this realization holds any kind of value is another question. I mean, I could actually use a matrix allegory here: Some people within the matrix are simply not yet ready to be freed and will use all their might and cunning to perpetuate the status quo. Just like in real life, some people may simply not be ready to opt out of societal norms and therefore try with all their power to stay within. But then along comes a person defying the very system these people are sworn to protect, and an emotional bond is established. That's when things get complicated. Because someone immersed in the system and someone trying to avoid being just that cannot usually co-exist for a long time without serious quarrel. But an emotional bond may be too strong to actually stay away from each other, leaving both parties at an impasse. Or rather at what seems like an impasse. The inevitability of doom is present in any emotional connection but in the one just described it is actually being postponed quite a bit in comparison to a coupling where both partners are either opted in or out of society's relentless grip. The reason for this is that small fractions of the ultimate doom are shattered on the long road towards it of an essentially incompatible couple, meaning that small pieces of the bitter end are being taken away up front so to say, leading to an overall longer-lasting journey. If that even makes any sense. But I believe it does. Or at least I hope so. But fuck if I know. In these highly emotional contexts one can never be entirely sure of any utterance, as proven by the disparity that can be found between this and the previous post. Emotions are highly fucking unpredictable to say the least. Which is on one side, as many may argue, what makes them so unique and special and unicorns and rainbows, but on the other side, my side, it is exactly that what's so fucking annoying about them. If I could just keep those fuckers at bay I'd be so happy. It's not that I don't enjoy being jolted around by endorphin-induced euphoria followed by soul-crushing depression, and then being jolted upwards again. But I'd much rather have some sort of control over the entire process. Not in the sense that I want to be able to choose who I fall for or anything like that, but much rather in the sense of being able to control the degree of madness that comes down on one as soon as aforementioned "fall" has occurred. It's incredible the way grown-up people let their emotional sides get the best of them as soon as it comes down to the notorious four-letter word. And that is the kind of behavior that I would like to be able to suppress when I say that I would like to have full control over my feelings. But this tangent about the control of emotions appeared here quite randomly out of nowhere. 
In the end "errare humanum est, sed perseverare diabolicum", so if I was wrong with the assumption about my utter incompatibility for social intertwining and the senselessness thereof, at least I was "wise" enough not to persist in it, and therefore also not diabolical. I might also be persisting in an erroneous coupling though, but in that case I have to say that being diabolical doesn't seem as bad, but rather good actually. Or Seneca was only partially right, but I doubt that. So I am either persisting in my fallacious assumption and thereby slowly morphing from human to he-devil, or I was wrong with my initial assumption from my last post and am now being human by admitting just that. Either way, I have already been or will be proven wrong. Which is simply part of life and nothing to be ashamed of in my humble opinion. Not many a soul thinks like that though, being wrong seems like the ultimate sin nowadays, which is quite simply put idiotic. If we didn't err and therefore stumble at all, we'd never learn how to accept that and get back on our feet, and lacking that kind of experience would quickly transform the human race into a bunch of whiny little pricks. Not that we're much better now, mind you. But at least there are still a lot of people who know how to deal with defeat and fallacious reasoning in a decent, civil kind of way. Which would essentially just be to accept it, get back up, and then move on. But too many idiots are too stubborn and far too set in their own opinion of themselves to actually accept that they were wrong. And these fucking retards then use all of their might to try and prove that they have been right after all, even if that means doing a whole bunch of hurtful, depraved, and downright immoral bullshit. Just because it is too fucking embarrassing for them to admit an erroneous decision and learn from that mistake. No, they've got to be right from the very start, and cannot see that that's just fucking impossible. But well, to each his own I guess, and I've learned to recognize and avoid these parasitic parodies of human beings anyway. Plus I am usually more than able to actually make them see the fallacy of their ways in a rather brutally honest way, making my encounters with these... people... a rather fun experience for me, and a soul-crushing disastrous realization for them. So a win-win situation in the greater context. 

But fuck all that. Some, or actually most come to think of it, of them will never change anyhow. And well, that's essentially just to way life is, in some ways there will always be a few things that one just needs to cope with, as mentioned in my previous post. And that is what makes life so fucking enthralling on one, but also so fucking devastating on the other hand. 
I am getting tired though, so I'll just cut the post off here, and leave you guys be with some good music, as always:

KillaGraham - Clowns
-> I am getting a hard-on just listening to this amazing bit of pure filth! I have always loved the UKF Dubstep Channel, and despite a slight drop in quality in the latest uploads, this epic piece of music is definitely one of the gems on there. Great melody, surprising but awesome drop, and an overall feeling of pure greatness, making this tune fucking awesome, so... Enjoy!

Knife Party - Centipede 
-> Knife Party never disappoints, and this song proves just that... Greatly chosen introductory vocals, followed by a drop of epic proportions with a bass that slaps you through the room, opens your cranium and then forces your soulless body to play football with your brain! Mind-boggling stuff, great artist, and once again found on the best channel for electronic music on YouTube, so... Enjoy!

Flatbush Zombies - Thug Waffle
-> Okay let me start by saying that this not the style of HipHop I usually enjoy, but this song is just so fucking awesome and talking about mankind's favorite plant, meaning that I had to put it on here, and the hook is about the best I've heard in a recent release for quite some time... "Fuck the police though, we smoking like it's legal!"... Enjoy!

Method Man - Uh Huh
-> Let's get back to some classic rap, here is maybe the ill-est MC alive, with a fucking awesome track, a funky-ass beat, and well Method Man's incredible flow and lyrics! Method Man has been around for such a long time, rolling with the Clan way back then, and has since then established himself as one of the very greatest rappers in history, and this tune just proves that this is where he belongs, so... Enjoy!

Metallica - For Whom The Bell Tolls
-> Although I did check to see whether or not I've already posted this one here and did not see it anywhere, I cannot shake the feeling that I had already featured this track... But anyway, great song used in one of the funniest Zombie movies since Shaun of the dead, and well it has been around for ages just like Metallica themselves, making this tune an absolute classic that definitely needs to be here, so... Enjoy!

Machine Head - Halo
-> I've always rather enjoyed Machine Head, they exude this raw energy within their music that is so often lost in today's music, and their riffs and melodic parts are equally amazing. Although I have to say that I was never a fan of switching between a sort-of growling and clean vocals, but in this case it actually works quite well. Plus the video is fucking awesome too, so... Enjoy!

Well, this turned out to be a rather positive post albeit touching on some difficult issues. But seeing as my mood has really gone up again it wasn't all too hard to stay out of narcissistic self-despair and -loathing for once and deliver something at least remotely optimistic. So, I hope you enjoyed my newest ramblings and were not all too annoyed by the fact that I essentially contradicted myself vis-à-vis my previous post.


Peace!

Why, oh why

can't I just stick to a fucking deadline? Well in the case of this post I have to say that I was so extremely busy with renovating and moving into my new flat that I literally did not even have the time to sit down and open my laptop the last week, making writing a post on an online platform such as Blogger quite impossible to do. Especially when carrying a cupboard up to the fourth floor. Which is the only real disadvantage that this move brings with itself. Otherwise the place is bigger, cheaper, and even closer to the train-station than my last flat, meaning that I can now sleep longer in the morning which suits my lazy lifestyle quite well. Plus we don't really have neighbors yet due to the fact that we were the first to rent an apartment in this house after it had been renovated, which means that we can essentially turn our music all the way up at any given time of day for the time being. Not that we're actually taking advantage of that fact though - I just fall into bed at night exhausted and fully drained of any energy by the carrying, painting, arranging, etc., meaning that I would be the main counter-force to any form of high-volume audio disturbance in the evening. Hm. Being physically active all day every day is really something I am not even remotely used to to be honest, and I can not for the life of me figure out how some people can say they enjoy that. At the end of the day I am literally dragging myself up the stairs, panting and sweating like a pig, unable to draw any oxygen from the air I am breathing and therefore on the brink of collapse. Which is also obviously because of my lifestyle, but physical activity is not helping in the least. I should probably go and see a doctor at some point, but well I figure that if my body withstood what I put it through so far it will be able to handle what's going to come as well. At least that's what I like to think. But I am getting off track as always, my original topic was my inability to stick to deadlines, but I think I've kind of exhausted that topic earlier already. I mean you know me well enough by now to realize that the rigidity of deadlines and regulations simply does not fit my personality. At all. But yeah, deadlines are useful and needed every now and then, so I am setting some for myself and albeit not even slightly adhering to them I am feeling a little guilty by doing so, especially since I enjoy writing these posts and entertaining you guys and gals. And for good or worse I will continue trying to stick to my own deadlines when it comes to doing so. Well. These words sound all well and nice, but the fact of the matter unfortunately is that I am already a week behind my regular posting time and not even close to having finished or even thought of a topic for this entry. Although I do have very good and very real reasons for it this time, seeing as as much as I would like to I cannot put real life on hold in order to go about writing, or "blogging" as this medium is commonly referred to. 

I have never actually seen myself as a 'blogger' per se. I mean actual bloggers do research, prepare their posts and have schemes and strategies to attract new readers; these people have a well thought-out concept for their blogs. Whereas I only have a non-customized Google template and my ramblings to rely on. Come to think of it, I would much rather define myself as a voice of common sense lurking in the backlands of the internet, patiently waiting for the day that common sense is actually common again. Or as a psychotic wanna-be writer pandering to an equally psychotic audience that in reality is only a product of my deranged imagination. Or something somewhere in the middle of both. It actually doesn't matter, does it? Whatever I define my babbling here to be, there will be another, contradictory and probably better definition out there, so why bother? Plus I am not a big fan of categorizing art anyway. For me it somewhat defies the feelig of freedom and personal expression that all forms of art elicit to try and put labels on it. Takes away the essence. Imagine you're buying a novel, and it says "crime story" on it - you instantly have a certain image floating in your head, a certain expectation towards the book; your focus is turned to the "crime" elements of the story. The same exact manuscript could in all likelihood also be sold as a Thriller, an adventure story, or in extreme cases even as a love story. And you'd be focusing on entirely different aspects of the exact same thing, never realizing the core of what the artist was trying to convey. Furthermore these labels have a somber 1984-feeling to them, but that's probably just my paranoia that comes with almost two days of sleeplessness. Still. Ultimate control of the minds is what all forms of art seem to be geared to lately. I know that I have touched on this very topic in the last post already, but art, especially music, used to fucking mean something and was not just a publicity tool for big corporations like it is today. But well, this all sounds like the deluded thoughts of a mad man. 
Which can of course be attributed to the lack of sleep I mentioned earlier, but seeing as that is entirely my fault I can not really complain about that. Plus I have gotten sleep by now and am sitting in a Coffeeshop with my laptop because I do not have internet in my new flat yet, quite simply because my fucking provider decided that it needs three weeks and thirty euros to do so, thereby actually forcing me to sit and write publicly, which just seems like a pathetic cry for attention to me, but seeing as I have no choice I'll just have to live with that.

There are quite a number of things that one just has to live/cope with in life. I've noticed that again quite recently. I do not have the ability to "correctly" handle certain highly emotional social intertwining that is often encountered in ones lifetime, and should therefore not engage in such. Which is something I actually found out a moderately long time ago, but for some reason felt that I had to put it to test again a few months ago. That of course resulted in the usual up-and-down which ultimately ended in a crash, like a roller-coaster ride in Final Destination. And whilst it is sad, devastating even, time has taught me to not wallow in these feelings, and rather just stick to first numbing and then forgetting. Which helps. Plus I have got people that I can talk to. And well, this blog right here. And for whatever reason my non-compatibility for relationships seems to be as much a part of me as my desire to write. Although I could not write for quite some time as you have noticed, I am still eager to do so and full of ramblings that need unleashing. But isn't it weird? I can cope with so many social situations and forms of emotional stress, but as soon as I become involved on a deeper emotional level this ability suddenly disappears and I am left as a shell of myself, unable to handle anything. For this very reason I have decided to once again opt out of the whole thing, this social binding that ends up the same way over and over again. Any form of it is ultimately doomed, or at least put to dire tests that most do not recover from. I know that I am being a cynical asshole. But there is an underlying truth in this statement that simply can not be ignored. "'till death do us part" - laughable in 90% of the cases. And even on a less "serious" level. It may be the "perfect couple", it may have lasted for what seems like forever, but in the end it's like flowers - it rots, decays, withers, and dies. Not a pretty outlook on life I know. Of course one may argue that that time passed before things perish is worth so much that entering into such an intertwining albeit knowing of its ultimate doom is still a favorable decision. But I'm not buying it anymore. I have seen these constructs crumble far too often as to believe in the fairy-tale ending that most people spend their entire life searching for. And well, as Hunter S. Thompson already said it perfectly, this search might end up in us not being lonely anymore, but we are ultimately and inevitably alone. So we better make damn sure to like ourselves because that's all we'll be left with in the end. I am drifting off-topic here though, the whole loneliness thing has already been discussed. My actual point is that no matter what we're being told by society and TV-soaps, the hard truth still remains: It all goes to shit at some point. Trust me it does. It might take days, months, years, centuries, or even a lifetime, but it will turn to complete shit and leave a hurtful mark somewhere, be it physically or psychologically. So why bother? Because we might reach a nice endorphin-high for a while before the chemical make-up of our brain manages to readjust itself? Because someone might be the illustrious "one"? Because we still desperately cling to the illusion of maybe not ending up alone? I don't fucking know, and it doesn't make any sense to me anymore. I mean, I know the sweet sweet feeling of finding a significant other and intertwining your life with that persons, and how intoxicating the entire process of "love" can be, trust me I do. But there are ways to resist that, there are ways to turn this nagging little voice inside us that keeps trying to get us hurt off. And I had managed to do so for quite a while actually, but well, I am just lacking years of experience. So I fell for the whole Disney-created bullshit once again rather recently. And it turned to shit, obviously. Which proves my point quite nicely in a rather twisted way. I mean it's not like I was ever planning on things going bad, but that's just the way life fucking is, and I have by now honestly gotten used to it. I have long ago accepted that I will not ever find true happiness in that particular area actually. Meaning that I probably should not have let some chemicals that went rogue in my brain trick me into believing that maybe I was actually just a cynical asshole wallowing in what he perceives the world to be, and not just a cynical asshole realizing how things go down on this little planet we call "Earth". Shoulda, coulda, woulda. Fuck all that. I am not going to do one of these posts examining my actions in retrospect and realizing how much better I could have done things. I know that already, no need to remind myself of it. Plus, believe it or not, there is actually a limit to the amount of information I am willing to disclose on here. This is still a public platform and I am not even pseudonymous, every human being with half a brain can figure out my real name, age, and town of residence by following a couple of links on this page. Which does not mean that I am somehow holding back when it comes to my opinion on things. I am just making sure that any real people involved in my life are kept out of here or at least obscured as much as possible, simply out of respect for these peoples' privacy. And well, there might always be certain types of persons within my audience that know me personally and do not necessarily need to know everything about me, meaning that I do put a certain filter, not content-, but formulation-wise on the things I post on here. 
But nevertheless I am unable to get my mood to go up again since I have once again been proven right, and it's fucking annoying. Things are really going down lately. I mean asides from me ending up alone as usually. There's fights all around, people are ending friendships because of money and women, and I am simply caught in the middle like Malcolm, not wanting to partake in any of these stupid stressful quarrels. I have really got my own shit to worry about. I mean, would it actually come to a physical altercation I'd of course help out as much as my tar-filled black lungs and utter lack of sport would allow me to, but as long as people are just shouting at each other and sending angry SMS like fucking teenagers, I am not going to get involved in the slightest. Luckily enough, I have never been acting in a way that would provoke any aberrant behavior towards me, so I have the luxury of actually not having to take sides or any part in any of it. I am not saying that others have actually provoked anything, not at all actually. But well. If you show a certain form of, not disrespect per se, but rather a very brutal honesty when handling downright stupid and highly emotional people, you are taking a certain risk of having set in motion a chain-reaction that at some point leads to an angry dispute. I have always maintained a much more diplomatic and considerate approach, and did therefore not land in a spot where confrontation is inevitable, which in retrospect makes me quite happy. Not that this makes my situation any better or elevates my mood in any way, but I can at least find solace in the fact that when I hear shouting and pissed-off voices, it won't be of any concern to me. Still, the root of the entire thing is actually so easily solvable that it heavily bothers me that this is getting to a degree where no-one is even considering ever talking to the other person ever again. But I am really not in the mood nor do I have the emotional stability right now to get involved, so I'm just hoping that they'll manage to resolve matters on their own. Or at least reach a stage of passive co-existence. Whatever suits them best, I couldn't give less of a fuck to be honest. 

But anyway, this topic is wearing me out by just writing about it, so I'll put a stop to it at this point. Looking up from my screen I see people enjoying the Coffeeshop as much as I would had I brought money. I am broke as a joke once again, and will need to ask a friend of mine to borrow me some cash, which is really annoying especially considering what's happening between other friends of mine because of essentially the same thing. Notwithstanding, I need to have some sort of financial liquidity until the month has the decency to finally end and stop his torturing grip on my wallet. Moving is expensive as fuck I tell you! It was worth it though, I needed to get the fuck away from my former landlords, I fucking hated these people and their affiliates. So all in all, despite having financially murdered me, I am really enjoying my first month in my new flat. Which I know is of no real interest to most of you, but I am really too exhausted from the weekend still to actually get into any more interesting topic right now. I was awake for three days in a row, and have so far only caught up on like 12 hours of sleep in the past two days, so I am still a tad disgruntled and grumpy, not feeling up to par yet. Which is entirely my own fault obviously. Nevertheless I feel like I've spent the night in a dumpster behind an abortion clinic of the early 30's. Quite disgusting to say the least. But well, I'll be fine again by tomorrow. One day at a time. 

So, after having needed an entire month to actually complete this thing, I have to apologize once again, and as soon as my internet has been installed I will go back to posting almost-weekly as I have done so far. I hope this rather cynical and depressive post was still enjoyable to you, and hopefully opened your eyes on some issues. Or at least made you think about things, as always.
And also as always, you will be left with some good music...

Eminem - Drug Ballad 
-> Awesome song that funnily describes the way drugs and people enjoying them interact whilst also showing that many things are exaggerated, and well amazingly delivered by Eminem as always. And although it is not really pro-drugs it sill has this nice fucked-up-up-junkie feeling to it that Eminem so perfectly created in many of his older songs. So all in all, great song, great lyrics, great artist... Enjoy!

Nate Dogg & Warren G feat. The Game - Party We Will Throw  
-> Classic track that is simply awesome, legendary artists on a funky beat that just elicits this timeless west-coast feeling that is somehow lost in most of today's music... We really need a revival of the G-Funk by the way, but that's not the point here. No the point is that this is an amazing classic tune that you should definitely know, and well... Enjoy!

The Fugees - Killing Me Softly With His Song 
-> Here goes yet another classic song that definitely needed featuring on here, Fugees are awesome anyway and Lauryn Hill has an amazing voice that really shines on this track, and well the HipHop drums in the background do give the whole song a nice alternate feeling to the original version without even slightly destroying its beauty, so... Enjoy!

Flux Pavilion & Dillon Francis - I'm The One 
-> So this is what happens when you put two amazing artists on acid in a room and tell them to create a song and video... Cats that are accessing a sort of parallel world... Wow... The song in itself is quite good too, and well this out-of-worldly video puts the icing on the cake so to say, although it did kind of freak me out in an altered state of mind, but anyway... Enjoy!

LaRoux - In For The Kill (Skreams Let's Get Ravey Remix) 
-> I'm not sure if I haven't posted this on here before but am too lazy to check right now to be honest, so I'll just hope I didn't or that nobody remembers if I did. Anyway, great remix by one of the earliest Dubstep artists in existence, and well this tune is just fucking epic, so... Enjoy!

Ey heb die Beine an - Jumpstyle 
-> First off you will notice that I just copied the YouTube-videos name here. This is because I have no idea what artist produced this song or what the songs name actually is. All I know is that a friend introduced me to this a couple of weeks ago and although I am not usually all too fond of this kind of electronic music, I have to say that this song is fucking great, cool lyrics ("hey get your legs up, so that we can jump, as far as Amsterdam, if not now then when?" -> for all non-German readers, no need to thank me), and a nice melody, so... Enjoy!

AC/DC - Hells Bells 
-> Fucking awesome song! That's almost all I have to say to it actually, you all know the score, AC/DC are a fucking legend and this song is also really great, so... Enjoy!

Korpiklaani - Beer Beer
-> Back in my heavy drinking and metal phase I used to love getting utterly wasted to this song, and although I don't do that as often anymore I still enjoy listening to this song for old time's sake and of course because it is pretty awesome and has a great melody to it, so... Enjoy!

Queen - Don't Stop Me Now
-> 'nuff said. Rest In Peace Freddie Mercury!

So, this turned out to be a long, erratic, depressive and cynical post that took a month to actually be posted online, which was for one due to force majeure, and secondly to my emotional turmoil at the time. But I hope I managed to create something nevertheless enjoyable to you, and will definitely be posting more regularly as soon as I have an internet access again. 

Peace!