I could essentially

start this post with the same exact title as the previous one. "Why, oh why". But this time it would go on with something like "can I not keep myself from my own emotions?". Which is something I am really asking myself lately. Bear my last post in mind. Social intertwining is ultimately doomed and therefore engaging in such can be considered stupid, mad even. That was the conclusion; the end of all hope. 

“Can’t repeat the past?…Why of course you can!” 

                  - F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

And now fate, or whatever, has decided to jolt my transfixed bad mood upwards, and give me back what sucked the life clean out of me whilst it was gone. Ironically enough, this has, as the avid reader may have noticed, happened twice already, which had proven my long ago reached conclusion about the senselessness of such intertwining completely. But I can not for the life of me escape those sweet endorphins that dead-bolt rose-tainted glasses onto my eyes. Isn't it ironic that I had forsaken these very emotions already, dismissing them as idle brain-farts always leading to the same painful end? And aren't they? I mean, I should probably quote Mrs. Rita Mae Brown before going any further: "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.". Which is exactly what's happening here, or am I wrong? The ultimate doom I was mentioning has not disappeared, but simply drifted out of focus due to aforementioned endorphin-highs that are more addicting than the most potent crack/heroin mixture any drug-peddling half-mad chemist in some Czech laboratory could come up with. But I'm getting off-topic here. 
What I was discussing was the essential underlying insanity in the action of just trying to jump into the same old relationship Phoenix-style. I am not saying it is a bad thing per se, quite the contrary actually. My feelings towards it are as magnificent as one might imagine them being after the past two weeks of feeling like shit. Still I cannot shake off that lingering voice in the back of my head that is screaming "Dysfunctional! Insane! Just plain damn weird!". But then again, "when the going gets weird, the weird turn pro" (HST), so maybe that's what we're doing? Just taking all the weirdness surrounding us and bringing it to a whole new level? I like to think so actually. Who needs the conforming, normal people acting like they should, even or especially when socially intertwined by the four-letter word that means everything and nothing? I am and always have been a fan of more radical approaches to mundane things anyway, so why bother trying to act as others do in that aspect? So I am, as you could have expected not going to do that. 
But I avoided the question that has been present ever since I introduced my mood swing that has happened because I engaged in a symbiosis that I had doomed and damned just a week ago. This question is if I was wrong with my ranting about the ultimate doom that faces each and every coupling. Unfortunately, no. That remains an omnipresent reality of life. But I may have been wrong about the utter senselessness of engaging in such intertwining. Because despite all evidence to the contrary that presented its ugly face once that uplifting relieving of lonliness was gone, I am happy once again, which is something almost two decades of living have taught me to cherish as long as it lasts - however long that may be. And seeing as aforementioned togetherness increases such moments considerably,the down that eventually comes might actually be worth the up that precedes it. 

"Buy the ticket, take the ride!" as my favorite author would say. And I've bought the ticket a few months ago and the ride is apparently far from over albeit having stopped for an unbearable while. So, I'll ride this ride until the bitter-sweet end that I've discussed in the last post. Which is a beautiful feeling actually. Fuck, I'm alive and I'm fucking loving it! I can not say how long this euphoria will last but as long as it remains I will enjoy it.

Anyway. I have to say that vis-à-vis the shit that's going down in the world, my happiness might be misplaced. But fuck the world. As you know I've long ago established that this entire imaginary construct we call society will collapse under its own dumb mass of braindead parasites. They will drown in the foam of their own filth, sex, and murder, to loosely quote Rorschach from "Watchmen". Mind the "loosely" though, I was too lazy to actually google the exact wording. I have not ever wanted any part in the depraved obscenities that are generally accepted as "social behavior" nowadays, which is also the reason for my general incompatibility when it comes to relationships. But if we take the element of the expected norms out of it and elevate the weird to a professional level... Well, at that point the whole picture changes, and being incompatible in the regular and socially-accepted way is no longer of any importance. Which is hopefully a status that I can fully achieve rather soon. I'm on my way but not quite there yet I feel, which also explains the fall-outs mentioned earlier. But enough of that. The essence of what I am trying to convey here is that if opting out of any social conformity is what you're aiming for, there's no reason why there shouldn't be a special somebody joining you in just that. That is what I actually realized due to this on-off thing that's been going on in my life for a few months now. Whether or not this realization holds any kind of value is another question. I mean, I could actually use a matrix allegory here: Some people within the matrix are simply not yet ready to be freed and will use all their might and cunning to perpetuate the status quo. Just like in real life, some people may simply not be ready to opt out of societal norms and therefore try with all their power to stay within. But then along comes a person defying the very system these people are sworn to protect, and an emotional bond is established. That's when things get complicated. Because someone immersed in the system and someone trying to avoid being just that cannot usually co-exist for a long time without serious quarrel. But an emotional bond may be too strong to actually stay away from each other, leaving both parties at an impasse. Or rather at what seems like an impasse. The inevitability of doom is present in any emotional connection but in the one just described it is actually being postponed quite a bit in comparison to a coupling where both partners are either opted in or out of society's relentless grip. The reason for this is that small fractions of the ultimate doom are shattered on the long road towards it of an essentially incompatible couple, meaning that small pieces of the bitter end are being taken away up front so to say, leading to an overall longer-lasting journey. If that even makes any sense. But I believe it does. Or at least I hope so. But fuck if I know. In these highly emotional contexts one can never be entirely sure of any utterance, as proven by the disparity that can be found between this and the previous post. Emotions are highly fucking unpredictable to say the least. Which is on one side, as many may argue, what makes them so unique and special and unicorns and rainbows, but on the other side, my side, it is exactly that what's so fucking annoying about them. If I could just keep those fuckers at bay I'd be so happy. It's not that I don't enjoy being jolted around by endorphin-induced euphoria followed by soul-crushing depression, and then being jolted upwards again. But I'd much rather have some sort of control over the entire process. Not in the sense that I want to be able to choose who I fall for or anything like that, but much rather in the sense of being able to control the degree of madness that comes down on one as soon as aforementioned "fall" has occurred. It's incredible the way grown-up people let their emotional sides get the best of them as soon as it comes down to the notorious four-letter word. And that is the kind of behavior that I would like to be able to suppress when I say that I would like to have full control over my feelings. But this tangent about the control of emotions appeared here quite randomly out of nowhere. 
In the end "errare humanum est, sed perseverare diabolicum", so if I was wrong with the assumption about my utter incompatibility for social intertwining and the senselessness thereof, at least I was "wise" enough not to persist in it, and therefore also not diabolical. I might also be persisting in an erroneous coupling though, but in that case I have to say that being diabolical doesn't seem as bad, but rather good actually. Or Seneca was only partially right, but I doubt that. So I am either persisting in my fallacious assumption and thereby slowly morphing from human to he-devil, or I was wrong with my initial assumption from my last post and am now being human by admitting just that. Either way, I have already been or will be proven wrong. Which is simply part of life and nothing to be ashamed of in my humble opinion. Not many a soul thinks like that though, being wrong seems like the ultimate sin nowadays, which is quite simply put idiotic. If we didn't err and therefore stumble at all, we'd never learn how to accept that and get back on our feet, and lacking that kind of experience would quickly transform the human race into a bunch of whiny little pricks. Not that we're much better now, mind you. But at least there are still a lot of people who know how to deal with defeat and fallacious reasoning in a decent, civil kind of way. Which would essentially just be to accept it, get back up, and then move on. But too many idiots are too stubborn and far too set in their own opinion of themselves to actually accept that they were wrong. And these fucking retards then use all of their might to try and prove that they have been right after all, even if that means doing a whole bunch of hurtful, depraved, and downright immoral bullshit. Just because it is too fucking embarrassing for them to admit an erroneous decision and learn from that mistake. No, they've got to be right from the very start, and cannot see that that's just fucking impossible. But well, to each his own I guess, and I've learned to recognize and avoid these parasitic parodies of human beings anyway. Plus I am usually more than able to actually make them see the fallacy of their ways in a rather brutally honest way, making my encounters with these... people... a rather fun experience for me, and a soul-crushing disastrous realization for them. So a win-win situation in the greater context. 

But fuck all that. Some, or actually most come to think of it, of them will never change anyhow. And well, that's essentially just to way life is, in some ways there will always be a few things that one just needs to cope with, as mentioned in my previous post. And that is what makes life so fucking enthralling on one, but also so fucking devastating on the other hand. 
I am getting tired though, so I'll just cut the post off here, and leave you guys be with some good music, as always:

KillaGraham - Clowns
-> I am getting a hard-on just listening to this amazing bit of pure filth! I have always loved the UKF Dubstep Channel, and despite a slight drop in quality in the latest uploads, this epic piece of music is definitely one of the gems on there. Great melody, surprising but awesome drop, and an overall feeling of pure greatness, making this tune fucking awesome, so... Enjoy!

Knife Party - Centipede 
-> Knife Party never disappoints, and this song proves just that... Greatly chosen introductory vocals, followed by a drop of epic proportions with a bass that slaps you through the room, opens your cranium and then forces your soulless body to play football with your brain! Mind-boggling stuff, great artist, and once again found on the best channel for electronic music on YouTube, so... Enjoy!

Flatbush Zombies - Thug Waffle
-> Okay let me start by saying that this not the style of HipHop I usually enjoy, but this song is just so fucking awesome and talking about mankind's favorite plant, meaning that I had to put it on here, and the hook is about the best I've heard in a recent release for quite some time... "Fuck the police though, we smoking like it's legal!"... Enjoy!

Method Man - Uh Huh
-> Let's get back to some classic rap, here is maybe the ill-est MC alive, with a fucking awesome track, a funky-ass beat, and well Method Man's incredible flow and lyrics! Method Man has been around for such a long time, rolling with the Clan way back then, and has since then established himself as one of the very greatest rappers in history, and this tune just proves that this is where he belongs, so... Enjoy!

Metallica - For Whom The Bell Tolls
-> Although I did check to see whether or not I've already posted this one here and did not see it anywhere, I cannot shake the feeling that I had already featured this track... But anyway, great song used in one of the funniest Zombie movies since Shaun of the dead, and well it has been around for ages just like Metallica themselves, making this tune an absolute classic that definitely needs to be here, so... Enjoy!

Machine Head - Halo
-> I've always rather enjoyed Machine Head, they exude this raw energy within their music that is so often lost in today's music, and their riffs and melodic parts are equally amazing. Although I have to say that I was never a fan of switching between a sort-of growling and clean vocals, but in this case it actually works quite well. Plus the video is fucking awesome too, so... Enjoy!

Well, this turned out to be a rather positive post albeit touching on some difficult issues. But seeing as my mood has really gone up again it wasn't all too hard to stay out of narcissistic self-despair and -loathing for once and deliver something at least remotely optimistic. So, I hope you enjoyed my newest ramblings and were not all too annoyed by the fact that I essentially contradicted myself vis-à-vis my previous post.


Peace!

It's like a rollercoaster-ride

this great mystery called "life" isn't it? And I mean that in both directions. Sometimes, like myself lately, you might feel down, rock-bottom down actually, and then fate, or whatever you want to call it suddenly jolts you back up and you find yourself being happy again. Which does not last forever obviously, the fall back down always comes eventually, but it's nice to be reminded that it's usually followed by a ride back up. And well, ultimately everything evens itself out anyway. I have already discussed this though so I won't repeat that today. I am as usually writing completely at random and hoping that something interesting appears here so that I can meet the (almost-)weekly deadline I have set for myself. Deadlines are actually something I thoroughly despise and always try to somehow postpone or get around, making me somewhat pissed at myself for having set one here. But if I don't do this regularly I notice that it gets harder and harder to write creatively and even spell correctly, which impairs my ability to go on working on my novel that now already consists of almost 9000 words, and I am really eager to write as much as I can for it seeing as I really enjoy creating the protagonists life on the edge. Maybe I'll post a little sneak-preview of it here at some point to get your opinion on it and, well, to share it of course. But not today. I want to have a little more material to choose from prior to deciding what part of it to excerpt and feature here. So I will once again just stick to writing something that's hopefully entertaining for you guys. Or at least something that makes you think about things, but you all know the drill by now. Which leaves me at an impasse because I am not really thinking a whole lot at the moment, I am simply basking in the happiness that has suddenly been catapulted back into my life. I mean there is a lot going on, there's trouble brewing all around the world, which I know because I am now following every source of news imaginable on Twitter and installed two News-apps on my smartphone. That idea came to me, as you can probably imagine, whilst reading a Hunter S. Thompson book. And also because I have lately been feeling like I should work towards a profession where I would actually make money with my writing, in whatever form that may be.

And according to "wordcounter.net" the above introductory paragraph was exactly 420 words long. Isn't that awesome? I mean that that just randomly happened so close to 4/20 is just fucking amazing. It actually made me smile just now. But anyway, there will be another post around that day concerning itself with mankind's favorite plant. Probably. Today however I will be ranting about something that has drawn my into a vicious circle of being pissed about it over and over again. That something is namely my inability to write lately. And by that I don't mean that I'm suffering from "Writers block" or something similar, no I mean that I do not have the fucking time. My social circle here has expanded beyond my wildest dreams meaning that if I'm not at university I am somewhere else hanging with friends or spending time with my girlfriend, both of which lead to me being home late and exhausted, ergo unable to produce as much as a god damned predicate. Which just saddens me because I would love to spend as much time on creating sentences and paragraphs as possible. But alas, reality and its many responsibilities are always lurking behind the next corner, ambushing me whenever they see fit, and thereby preventing any kind of creative process from happening. Even now I am very limited in my time, hastily typing these words on my smartphone whilst waiting at my institution for higher education for an exam to finish so that I can go home. Not alone though mind you, which means that this entry will not be continued until late afternoon today or worst-case scenario even tomorrow morning. That would be terrible, especially after announcing this post to be appearing "within the next few days" on Facebook. What a blunt error on my part. Making promises that will probably not be holdable after all. I am however trying my best to hold them, which is why I am using these few minutes of spare time to write this. 
Being a highly social animal it is getting increasingly hard to find such moments of tranquility though. It's not only my misanthropic side speaking here; I genuinely believe that albeit longing for social recognition and interaction even us humans need a fucking break for one another from time to time. By which I do not want to demean the value of any time spent with people close to myself. Or complain about the amount of time that was spent. All I am saying is that it is essential for people to be by themselves occasionally, especially when creating art of any kind or when dealing with emotional extremes. In latter case having others around may be helpful to some, I agree, but personally I would much rather discharge myself emotionally on my own prior to talking to others and sharing my feelings. But maybe that's just me. 

Hm. The above paragraph derailed kind of quickly from "inability to write" to "breaks from social interaction". Well I guess the topics are pretty heavily interlinked after all as outlined above. If there were more of those breaks my ability to write would 'rise' again. But then again social interaction is mostly not as bad as it used to be for me. Of course there are lots of things I still find insanely annoying about it that make me want to quit society and live on a small island on my own, but all in all it's gotten better I think. Although I have to admit that my perception of the world is once again tainted in rose by the recent uplift that fate (or whatever) has given my life, meaning that that might also be the reason for me thinking that interacting with humans is not as bad as usually lately. Which is not negative per se, but just something to keep in mind whilst reading this. I was in an entirely different mood when I wrote the last entry for example. Which is pretty obvious actually. But well, as the title suggests that's how life goes. And isn't it fucking annoying that I keep coming to that conclusion? I mean, I feel like a broken CD-player repeating the same old track over and over again. And also the reason I feel fucking trapped in an ever-repeating cycle. Don't get me wrong, I am more than happy with everything at the moment. But still. There is a relentless little nagging voice inside of my brain that's enticing me to somehow try and break free from the ups-and-downs of life. If that's even possible; and I highly doubt that to be honest. It's like Karma - something you can not escape. And whilst you know me enough by now to know that I am not spiritual or religious in any way, I do believe the underlying concept of Karma to be applicable to everyday life. If you behave decently and well towards others, eventually good will come to you in some form. And well, the opposite applies too: if you behave like an asshole you'll ultimately be punished for your wicked ways in some way. And albeit having to admit that there are enough cases where this does not seem to apply, I still believe the idea of Karma to hold some truth. All the times I have behaved like an utter jerk or have hurt people it has turned around to bite me in the ass in one way or another. And whilst not every time I behaved decently has been rewarded in some way, it still is true that it does not only make you feel better about yourself but also increases the likelihood of good things coming your way. At least that's how I have experienced it so far. Mostly. There are of course also examples of times where good deeds have been completely unrequited and even led to disastrous consequences for me. In retrospect even these times have been evened out by other positive experiences that can somehow also be traced back to aforementioned consequences, so the overall concept of Karma still applies. And somehow I find solace in that fact. Because you see so many people acting like the world revolves around them, and it's just so great to 'know' that these assholes will eventually have some sort of huge "down" within their lives because of that behavior. Know is in parentheses because you can not possibly be sure of a thing like that. But at least I like to think that it is that way, and that gives me some sort of comfort when dealing with those kind of assholes.

Anyway. I am really lacking creative capabilities today. I feel somewhat drained lately. I am probably just too happy to write. Or maybe I am just lazy as fuck and am using that as an excuse for myself. Which is actually not uncommon at all; if there is a possibility to blame unproductive behavior on anything but ourselves, us humans are extremely quick to do so. And understandably so. I mean, it's easy to face being too lazy to do things you're not interested in, but when it comes to things you would actually want to do but for some reason feel unable to complete them it's a whole other story. Because, well, you want to finish these activities and reach the goals you set for yourself. And the feeling of inability that hinders the progress towards it may just stem from laziness. A laziness that is not necessarily bad though, because your inner batteries need recharging once in a while and those periods of non-productivity may lead to just that. It only becomes problematic when the non-productive periods outweigh the productive ones. And I don't necessarily mean outweigh in temporal terms. The productive periods can be a lot shorter than the non-productive ones. Some people just work better when they cram their creative span into a few frenzied days between weeks of not doing anything. Which is a perfectly valid way of working, as long as the fruits said productivity yields are big enough. Which is very subjective of course, and entirely depends on your own perception of things. For some that may be a few hundred words, for others a few hundred pages; if you're writing that is obviously. But it applies to any kind of creative process. I myself usually try to just write a little at least every other day because otherwise I lose my flow so to say and have a harder time getting stuff done the way I would want to. Which is also yet another reason this post took such a long time to be completed actually. 11 days for an entry to appear. That's a little longer than almost-weekly, but still roughly fits the scheme. Plus I doubt that anyone is really going to complain about it. 

But I am getting tired. And well, as outlined above I really think that I have exhausted my creative potential for the next couple of days, and seeing as I really need and want to continue working on my novel, I will need to be creatively active again quite soon, so I am putting a stop to this moderately interesting but hopefully still to some degree enjoyable entry, and as always leaving you with some good music to unwind:

Astronaut - Quantum (Spag Heddy Remix)
-> This is one of the songs that could probably literally make me cum. It is such an epic fucking remix of an already awesomely melodic song, and the build up to the raw drop that still manages to remain melodic throughout and thereby not destroying the charm of the original but adding a raw bite to it so to say, that makes this entire song such a perfect musical creating, so... Enjoy!

Spag Heddy - Pink Koeks
-> Well after just featuring the remix above I felt enticed to research some more songs of this guy, and stumbled upon this gem, which besides being completely fucking sick and awesome also makes me happy somehow, maybe it's the melody, I don't know, but hearing this track makes me smile, and well it's just an amazing tune, I am really liking this artist and will surely have more of his works here in later posts, so... Enjoy!

Annihilator - Alison Hell
-> This song is, as you can see at the start of the video based on a true story of a little girl who slowly fell into the depths of insanity, starting with a simple fear of boogey man. Well, besides from these sick guitar riffs that far surpass many modern-day guitarists wildest dreams, this song is extremely deep and reflects the development of Alison's mental deterioration frighteningly well. All in all a great classic, so... Enjoy!

Iron Maiden - Brave New World 
-> Although I have a certain aversion to the great Huxley novel of the same name because I was forced to deal with it in English class, it holds a great truth about what humanity's heading to, and well this song somewhat touches on that theme as well, there's lots of social criticism in there, and it's just an overall beautifully sad song that most definitely needed featuring here, so... Enjoy!

Andre Nickatina & San Quinn - Ayo for Yayo 
-> While I know neither of these artists' other songs or even background or anything at all actually, I do know how much I enjoy this song, and how fucking awesome it simply is. And of course a warning about the dangers of cocaine addiction. But that shouldn't be a nuisance, it's still a fucking great song, the beat is really chill and the guys flow fits so amazingly with it, making it an all in all awesome tune, so... Enjoy!

DMX - Where The Hood At 
-> Whilst being pretty homophobic, which is not unusual in Rap, this is still a fine-ass piece of rap music right here. D to the M to the X. I mean, you all know this song, and there is not much more I can really say. Great classic tune, so... Enjoy!

Well, this did not turn out as one of my best posts to be honest, and I do apologize for the slight lack of quality which occurred because of reasons outlined above. I will do my best to compensate for this with my next post though, and will also try and post within the next seven days instead of eleven this time. But anyway, I hope this entry was still enjoyable to you, and wish you a good night, or day, depending on which part of the world you're reading this from.


Peace!