About Me

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I am a dedicated and ambitious aspiring freelance journalist, blogger, and writer. My main asset is my international background - I was born in Germany, then moved to France, and proceeded to grow up in China - and the cultural open-mindedness inherent to such a life story. I specialize in opinion pieces, but am also well-versed in travel/event reporting, and writing general news stories. I blog regularly on my two pages, and have contributed to multiple online publications, including Gonzo Today, a web page dedicated to Hunter S. Thompson's "gonzo" journalism and his legacy. If you have any writing needs, I am the right person to talk to! I will be able to match the tone and style you desire, will work overtime to make you happy, and will deliver high quality content. You can find me on Facebook and LinkedIn as "Mark Linnhoefer", and on Twitter as "@markalinnhoefer". For work proposals please feel free to use the contact form on either of my blogs!

Sunday, September 14, 2014

The damned brakes

were not working anymore, and had not been working for quite a while. 
Still, we were three people huddled together on a small electric scooter doing about 28 miles per hour on a freeway in the middle of the night, all heavily tripping -- including myself, and I was driving -- on some over-the-counter medicine and a variety of uppers. I was fully dissociated and could not make out any differences between reality and hallucinations anymore, and neither could any of my friends for that matter. I was constantly ducking so as to avoid probably fictional branches whilst dodging imaginary obstacles, causing other travelers to honk and curse at us excessively. "Fuck, does anyone know where we are or where we're going?", I screamed at the two zombies sitting behind me, not really expecting an answer. "To the club" said one of them, his mouth almost falling off of his chin. "To your place" said the other, whose innards were showing through a gaping hole where his stomach would have supposed to be. Fucking hell, this was going to be a bitch of a ride - from nowhere to nowhere with the plague of the twenty-first-century riding on the back of my scooter. But this was not the time to deal with this geegaw. A monstrously large truck was stopping way too close to the beam barrier a few hundred yards in front of us, and the damned brakes were still not even remotely functional. So I jammed my feet onto the asphalt -- lacerating my shoes and blowing the protective plastic of my soles to smithereens -- in order not to drive into said beast of a vehicle. Which did of course not create a big enough force to fully stop the scooter in time, but fortunately reduced our speed significantly enough to leave us harm-free after impact. "Impact" - we actually just rammed the truck a little, shattering the headlights and the protective wheel-cover of my electric bike to tiny pieces, but not causing damage to any third party. And albeit not having caused an accident per se, we were quite anxious due to our mutually heavy intake of psychoactive substances that day, so we decided to flee the scene rather abruptly, meaning that I hastily turned the electric pile of garbage that served as our vehicle around, drove wrong-way for a while, and then swirled over the median and ascended to the highway. My erratic patterns of thought and sporadic bodily spasms that fittingly came into being whilst doing so made driving straightly not only a challenge, but a downright impossibility, which, on a highway, was turning our trip into a dire health hazard, and slowly beginning to make me feel queasy. But I was nevertheless - even more actually - in need of focusing on the road, seeing as all our lives depended on my largely impaired driving skills. 
But hot damn, the velocity felt good! I pushed the electric bike all the way up to about 33 mph and drove maniacally on the median, laughing into the winds of destiny whilst smirking at the sheer weirdness and danger we were finding ourselves in. We were on our way to the edge, and would probably not even notice when we'd reach it and be propelled into a dark oblivion of death, injury, and misery. But we had not gotten there yet, and I felt that we needed to go further; and since sobriety was still far away, and my friends were still zombies, I was free to do whatever the hell I pleased anyway. I would not hold back anymore I decided, and roared down the highway, still almost losing control of the bike every couple of minutes due to either muscular spasms or wet spots on the road. Actually, the bike was not the only thing I was losing control of: my mind was going rogue as well, and all sorts of weird monomaniac obsessions took hold of my thoughts every few seconds, making decision-making utterly impossible. "I need to go faster and harder on the curves to clear my mind" I shouted back at the two silent zombies. I did not know why these fucking decaying cadaver assholes were not talking, but I did not concern myself with it all too much either, and boomed on along the highway until I saw a serpentine exit route, and, wanting to push my luck, decided to take it. Zoom, zoom, zoom! I rushed downhill, barely making the curves and now even less in charge of the scooter's movements, but exhilarated and cranked up, hungry for more action. When we finally descended from the highway, I suddenly did not have any passengers anymore, which enticed me to stop and find out where those damned zombies from earlier had gone to. I got off the scooter and looked around  a bit, when all of a sudden my friends materialized behind me out of thin air, no longer being zombies. "You rotten bastards, what kind of sorcery is this?" I shouted. "What the fuck are you talking about? We need to head back to your place, man!" and "Where the hell are we anyway?" were their answers. I did not know about any of that, so I lit a cigarette and pondered the issue at hand. We were in the middle of nowhere, the bike's battery was running low, and any of us could fall back into a drug-induced craze that might lead us into the next disaster at any point. We were somewhat fucked. But I didn't want to think about that for the time being. I remembered that we had some high-percentage whiskey and a lot of cheap grass stowed in the storage compartment of the scooter, so I decided to get both, and whilst I struggled to roll an awful-looking joint my friends opened the bottle of scotch. We finished the bottle and almost an eighth of the weed, and decided to just drive back in the direction we came from in order to try finding my place. We crammed ourselves back on the scooter, and, due to the lack of battery, drove down the road at about 15 mph. After what felt like at least ten hours of slow-mo crawling through the swamp of outskirt-roads we finally got back to somewhat familiar surroundings. So we decided to hunker down at a cheap internet cafĂ© -- they charged about 5 cents per hour -- that was near the crossroads we had just gotten to in order to come back to reality a bit using the remainder of the grass whilst playing Counterstrike 1.6. As we were all still insanely on edge from the journey, we decided not to play a game that consisted of us shooting each other after all, and rather put on extremely loud Rock'n'Roll music and smoked a couple of blunts. A few hours went by, and when we were high enough to be calm again, we got back on the death-trap scooter without brakes, and headed on to my place. 
Alas, our feeling of sobriety was a falsity. As soon as we hit the road again, I sensed a diziness slowly building up in my subconscious and quickly drifiting towards the conscious part of my cerebrum, instantly deluding the differences between the both of them and thereby catapulting me back into a daredevil speeding-frenzy: I needed to go west. I did not know why, but west was the way to go. So I looked at the road sign which had the cardinal directions inscribed into its plastic surface, discovered the small W on the left-hand side, and turned the run-down electric scooter in that very direction. Whilst driving down the avenue I needed to avoid weird flickers of light that were scattered across my vision and sometimes randomly materialized into other drivers. Upon arriving at a crossroads, I checked the road sign to see whether or not we were still going west. To my suprise, it was the same road sign again; it was the same fucking crossroads! 
This had to be a question of mere focus I thought, and so I pedantically re-examined the sign, found the small W once more on the left-hand side, and once again turned the scooter into that very direction. I pushed the electric vehicle to its remaining maximum velocity, hurrying down the avenue until we got to yet another crossroads. Which, after examining the road sign for a while, turned out to be the exact same spot again. I was getting desperate, and my friends' faces had completely melted for some reason, so they would not be very helpful either. I repeated the same steps as earlier: I made sure I was driving in the proper direction, took off, and arrived at the same place. Over and over again. After the fifth or sixth time, I was coming close to a nervous break-down. My friends' status had deteriorated even further, they had by now melted down to mushy globs of skin-colored mud, so still no help there. I decided to just say Fuck It and drive east this time. And just as I managed to slowly rotate the steering wheel to the right - I blacked out. When my brain reattached itself to my central nervous system and consciousness, we were already nearing my place. Or rather - I was. No-one else was there. But what the hell, I reckoned that they must have taken a taxi or something like that.
A few more minutes of unstable driving ensued, and I finally pulled into the driveway of my place, happy to be home at last. I locked the scooter, plugged its charger into it, and entered the house through the door that was located inside of the garage. I went straight to the kitchen without switching on a single light, opened the fridge, went blind for a minute upon seeing the brightly-lit white inside of this temple of cool freshness shine through the darkness surrounding it, got a large bottle of water, closed the fridge again and went downstairs. When I entered my room, I sat down and instantly took a five-minute-long gulp of the water bottle, almost draining the entirety of its content. "Ah!" I breathed out, feeling replenished and freed of thirst. Afterwards, I rolled another small J, smoked it, and proceeded to sleep for almost eleven hours...

Hm. I have never posted a story like this on here before, and I was thinking I'd try that format out for a change. It is probably of interest to you how much truth there is in that story, and well, all elements presented in it are true. These things did not necessarily happen in that chronological order, or even on the same day or in the same month, but they all happened. I just combined them here for your reading pleasure, and I hope I was successful at doing so. Please let me know what you think about this kind of post, and if you would like to see something like this again on here at some point. I hope that it goes without saying that none of the above should ever be tried at home, I am still baffled that I survived all of the brake-less scooter-trips I have had the displeasure of partaking in in my time, and do not want anyone trying their luck with that kind of shit because they read it here. 
And well, in this light I'll leave you be, and, as always, give you a few musical gems to enjoy:

Ol' Dirty Bastard - Baby I Got Your Money
-> Oh yeah, here's some good ol' dirty bastard for y'all! I don't think this classic track needs any kind of introduction to be honest, you should all know this tune, and well, the guy was a freaky but awesome musician who died way too young because of a bad mixture of cocaine and tramadol. Which is maybe why he had such a unique, never-seen-before style of rapping. Anyway, this song definitely needed featuring on here, so... Enjoy!

Eazy-E - Eazy Duz It 
-> "Well, I'm Eazy-E, I got bitches galore. You may have a lot of bitches, but I got much more". Another timeless classic, this time out of Dre's camp, the infamous, notorious Eazy-E! I can not for the life of me figure out how I could have forgotten to post this tune until now, and am somewhat disappointed with myself to be honest. But well, here it is, so... Enjoy!

Warren Zevon - Lawyers, Guns, and Money
-> I know, Warren Zevon again, but I keep finding great songs of his, plus this one is being referenced in one of Hunter S. Thompson's works somewhere, although I can't for the life of me remember where and don't have the book nearby to check, but I'll update regarding that. Anyway, great song sung by a great artist, so... Enjoy!

Bob Dylan - Like A Rolling Stone 
-> Well, here goes another Bob Dylan song, and well, this one's a beauty, with truthful and deep lyrics underlined by awesome music. Dylan truly is a living legend, and this song shows just why that is, so... Enjoy!

Alpha Noize & Bass System - Infected (Spag Heddy Remix) 
-> Wow. I am speechless. I have featured Spag Heddy on here before, and he doesn't cease to amaze me: This is one raw fucking track! Amazing bass, a goosebumps-inducing underlying melody, coupled with outer-worldly drops, producing a sheer mind-blowing awesomeness that will remain lingering in your every thought for a few days, so... Enjoy!

Music Predators - Adventure Time (Condukta Remix) 
-> Well, I have to admit that this isn't one of the best songs I have posted on here so far. But it still elicits a feeling in me I cannot quite put into words, plus it is a pretty cool song with a nice melody and an awesome use of bass. By the way, you may have noticed that this and the previous song were both featured on the "MA Dubstep" Channel, which I would like to recommend not as an alternative but as an addition to the UKF channel, seeing as they have some great amazingly raw tracks as well. Anyway, I do like this song, so... Enjoy!

So, I have finished this post in about 10 days, which is actually prior to my newly-set deadline of two weeks, but well, the sooner the better, ain't it? Anyhow. I hope you have enjoyed this largely different post, and of course today's selection of songs.


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I have a thick skin, so go ahead if you feel like criticizing, but if you keep going on and on about details of carnal relations you claim to have had with my mother your comment will be removed.
I guess what I'm saying is that you can express your opinion, just try to do so in a constructive or at least moderately respectful manner, otherwise the comment section is just going to go to shit and I'll be forced to close it, seeing as I will definitely not be moderating it if unwanted/spam/bullshit comments keep coming...
If you can not behave, the possibility of commenting here will disappear, that's as simple as it is.